Zombie Penis

The picture to the right is of a charming couple who made Topless Robot’s list of Top 20 Best Cosplayers from the New York Comic Con. I guess they’re supposed to be ladyparts and a giant dick, although I’m not sure why the guy is wearing a ripped shirt and an exposed bloody-ribcage piece though. Maybe he’s a zombie penis. Or a penis that’s been ravaged by that new flesh-eating heroin everyone’s been buzzing about. Topical! Genius.

I thought this picture might make a good segue into our topic this week, which is October’s looming holiday: Halloween! Usually I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about what to dress up as, then at the last minute I have a whiskey-fuelled brainstorming session on October 30th and wake up on November 1st wearing a sweatsuit covered in pretzel crumbs and crafting scraps. In case you guys are like me and maybe need some costume help, here are some brain nuggets from me to you, on the house.

Twerking Bear 

Everyone was abuzz about the Miley Cyrus VMA performance, but recently the female dancer who wore the giant pink bear suit and twerked behind Miley has spoken up about the show, expressing shame and humiliation about her costume, and saying what they did “wasn’t right.” This pink monstrosity is now a great option for Halloween. Be sure to do it right though—walk around with dark circles under your eyes, carrying your bear head, and muttering “the horror…”

Crazy Eyes 

Orange Is The New Black caused a mild frenzy after its release on Netflix a few months ago. There are so many spectacular characters on that show, but my personal favorite—the one most suited to emulating simply because of the possibilities for embellishments—is Crazy Eyes. Bonus points if you squat and pee in the middle of a party/bar/ outside your ex-girlfriend’s cell.

Tyrion Lannister 

Game of Thrones is amazing, and if you aren’t on the Lannister Train yet, then you can go to hell. Bonus points if you dress up as him during the battle when he gets his face sliced open, and if you carry a shield that’s way too big for you. Team Tyrion FOREVER.

Walter White Snake 

Puns! There will probably be a metric shit-ton of Walter Whites out on Halloween, but give your psychopath meth dealer a boost of interest by adding a few white rubber snakes crawling out of your pockets. Bonus points if you wear an unbuttoned, collared shirt or a leather jacket with fringe.

Well, since we’ve hit pun-costume territory, I think it’s safe to say my brain is officially tapped out. Please excuse me while I retire to my blanket fort to read comics and drink scotch. Happy Halloween (month), nerds.

Zooey Mae has been working as a writer monkey for Synthesis Weekly since 2007. Her favorite things include (but are not limited to), Jeffrey Brown, bubble wrap, Craig Thompson, pillow forts, receiving handwritten letters, and whiskey. She spends her free time stockpiling supplies for the impending robot Apocalypse and avoiding eye contact with strangers.