You’re Not Wrong Walter, You’re Just An A**hole

I’ve been getting crazy tension headaches lately, and when I finally went to the doctor to investigate my (most likely) broken brain, something happened. The doctor began her sentence thusly: “At your age…” I stopped paying attention at that point, and started thinking about how I’d never heard a physician say that to me, and also how I’d never seen a doctor wear a football jersey to work and expect to be taken seriously. The point of the story is that I’m getting glasses, and also that at 28, if you haven’t had your eyes checked in a while, a health care “professional” might tell you that you need an eye exam. I think if I had to choose one thing that I’m really excited about in getting glasses, it’s the wide array of condescending moves I can now punctuate all my sentences with. I like the dramatic whip-off move, but I think the raised eyebrows, pushing them up the bridge of my nose move is my favorite. These gestures, previously off limits to me, will now be my new favorite awful thing that I do. Throw it on the pile of all the others; “reading in the shower” and “eating my food one ingredient at a time” were getting kind of lonely.

Hey, speaking of dysfunction, scientists have created the first map showing how the white matter in our brains connects both with itself, and grey matter. The journal, published in Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, looked at what the outcome would be if micro-traumas disrupted small parts of the brain. The results showed which areas of the brain are most vulnerable, and gave insights into how those traumas might affect it. This means good things, especially for fighting diseases like Alzheimer’s, as we can now see a little more about what damage specifically is being done. I’d like to strap electrodes to my brain and see what happens when I play Ginuwine’s “Pony” at full volume. I bet it lights up like a goddamn Christmas tree. That song is perfect in every single way.

In other news, I’m moving across town soon, and although I already have too many pieces of artwork to move, I just stumbled across another that I think I have to have. There is a rug made by a seller on Etsy (OldTymeNotions), which features the face of Jeff Bridges as The Dude in the scene when he’s having his viking/Kenny Rogers hallucination. Despite how much I hate it when people try to make something sound whimsical by misspelling words on purpose, this rug is amazing and would probably really tie a room together. If you’re interested in purchasing this gem for yourself, it’ll set you back $800. Let me know if you do end up buying this, because I want to congratulate you on your solid purchase, not because I’m going to come over and steal it. Promise.

Zooey Mae has been working as a writer monkey for Synthesis Weekly since 2007. Her favorite things include (but are not limited to), Jeffrey Brown, bubble wrap, Craig Thompson, pillow forts, receiving handwritten letters, and whiskey. She spends her free time stockpiling supplies for the impending robot Apocalypse and avoiding eye contact with strangers.