World’s Sexiest Man: I Lose Again


This year, People Magazine chose a guy named Adam Levine as its “Sexiest Man Alive.” Frankly, I had barely heard of the guy, and when I saw his picture, I didn’t think he was a bit sexy. And that’s not sour grapes, either, because I’ve been nudged out of that competition for years. Last year, I lost to Channing Tatum, and in earlier years I’ve lost out to pretty boys like Matt Damon and George Clooney (a couple of times). I took those losses pretty well, but now I am forced to conclude that when it comes to the Sexiest Man Alive competition, the fix is in. Year in and year out, the winner is never a plumber or a carpenter, let alone a retired teacher or a freelance writer.

The guys who keep winning this “sexiest man” competition clearly know some pretty influential people. I, unfortunately, have no such contacts and am forced to compete on merit. We all know how well that works out in a world where it’s not what you know (or even how sexy you might be) but who you know.

Then there’s the question of age discrimination. The contest is clearly jiggered to favor younger men. In a contest based on such shallow values, my added years — which should be an asset — are held against me. I’m not given credit for my significant additional experience as a sexy male, a guy who’s had more time to learn his way around a boudoir.

There’s also the name recognition factor, an obvious advantage to these actor types. And I’m sure guys like Clooney had a great many letters of recommendation. I, on the other hand, was limited to my wife’s rather tepid note of support. Meanwhile, Clooney, a bachelor, was busy as a bee out there in the world of single women, a full-time lobbyist in pursuit of the coveted title he ultimately took home twice. Obviously, his efforts paid off, but how sexy is it, really, for a man to be so ruthlessly competitive in such an intimate realm of human activity? And how needy must a man be to work so unrelentingly in a shallow quest for such a distinction? Is such neediness sexy? Not in my book.

Then, too, all these Hollywood types who so predictably get chosen as “sexiest man” obviously have lots of time and money to spend on personal trainers, and photographers who can make ‘em look better than they probably are.

But Adam Levine and those other movie pretty boys can have their damn titles. I’ll content myself with knowing that when it comes to being the world’s sexiest man, there are some things that can’t be measured by magazine editors.

So, this year I’m not going to even bother entering again. What’s the use? A movie star is going to win. Check the Vegas odds. I just can’t compete in a game as wired as this one. Most likely, neither can you, no matter how studly you think you are.

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  1. Murray Suid says:

    Jaime, I need more information. I don’t subscribe to People, but perhaps you can help out. Mainly I’d like to know if the editors at People tested all the men in the world, or even a group of finalists? I realize that sexiness includes more than time spent in bed, so the test should probably include activities in other venues, e.g., restaurants, beaches, airplanes, etc.

    I know you’re busy, but I’m sure many of your other readers have the same question as I do.

    I’ll wait here while you prepare the answer.


  2. A. Pistoffreader says:

    Try out for “world’s shittiest writer”.
    You’ll win that one.