The World’s First Honest Cover Letter

Dear Hiring Manager,

First, accept my surprised gratitude for revealing the name of your company. It’s astonishing how many companies want your life history and contact info, but are just too gosh-darn shy to identify themselves.

That being said, let’s review some examples of your free-flowing hypocrisy.

My job-search parameters are set for entry-level openings requiring a Bachelor’s. Sneaking in demands that “serious” applicants hold a Master’s and have 6+ years’ experience is bullshit. Learn the dissimilarity between “entry level/Bachelor’s” and “experienced/Master’s.” Also, the irony in blurbs such as “Candidate’s must ahve exceptional Attention to detail,” especially when it’s copy-pasted twice, is just painful. You expect perfect reading comprehension and accuracy while demonstrating a glaring lack thereof? Yeah, that’s professional…

Creating an account just to apply for the position was fun. My new password and profile, unique to your company’s website, will be a lovely addition to the several dozen others I have. (Reminds me of my collection of bridesmaid’s dresses.) And hey—you use Taleo! Way to save a corporate buck while generating napalm-spitting rage in applicants, you cheap sack of pigshit. I really enjoyed spending an hour re-entering the data already on my résumé, only to have everything disappear in a random software hiccup. Google “Taleo sucks” to discover what people think of companies that use it.

Taking the time to send a “Yes” or “No” followup is guaranteed to not kill you. Job- seekers with dwindling resources really do not give a wet fart if you’re “busy” or if “hundreds of people have applied.” Simply state whether or not I’m still in the running, then move on.

I’m looking for a workplace where I fit in, can perform well, and am decently compensated for doing so. Among the positives I bring to the table are a solid work ethic, an aversion to disruptive office politics, and an enthusiastic attitude toward learning. Beyond a certain point, it’s no longer on me if you can’t or won’t see such qualities. I can only claim to be a unicorn-riding wet dream of a candidate so often before I puke on my keyboard, and you’re a fool if you think only experts at self- promotion are worth consideration.

I propose we switch places. I’ll let faulty keyword-finding software do 90% of my job for me while composing (but not proofreading) semi-honest job descriptions for openings that may or may not actually exist. You, on the other hand, can spend your days chucking customized personal data into the void, while becoming increasingly despondent over ever working again. It sounds difficult, but I’m willing to make the sacrifice.

Sorry, were you expecting a cover letter burbling about how orgasmically thrilling it would be to work for your exalted place of business? Yeah, right. Applying = humping your leg. Interview process = humping your leg. Discussing an offer = humping your leg. Notice the pattern there? Whores get paid, so if you want your balls gargled, I’m gonna need to see some ROI.

Frustrated Enough to Bite Walls, Esq.

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Mona Treme sees a lot of evidence that [insert deity’s name here] has a sense of humor, and not just in the mirror.