Whiskey-Fueled-Rocketship-Underpants

The most popular New Year’s resolutions have typically been to quit smoking or drinking, lose weight, or get out of debt. I’ve never made a New Year’s resolution. I generally find that the cyclical nature of proposed change, effort, and inevitable failure usually lasts about 24 hours. However, in the spirit of brevity, I thought that I’d create a list of resolutions that are more my own speed. Here are, in no particular order, some things I could do well to keep in the forefront of my mind.

I will wash my jeans more than once every six months. If black Levi’s were meant to be washed more often, then maybe the color wouldn’t fade so quickly, and absorb coffee spills so well.
 
I will concentrate on the good things more often. There’s a charity in New Zealand that’s been teaching dogs to drive. There’s also the fact that Obama won again, and Jurassic Park is being released in 3D. For real, guys, this is the world we live in.
 
I will get my own pair of rocketship underpants. I was always envious of Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes fame), and his rocketship underpants. They seemed to fix everything for him, no matter what his predicament was. Maybe my resolution here could be to find a new security blanket, or something that fixes everything. You know, besides whiskey.
 
I will try new things. Like online gambling, or smoking. It certainly seems to be popular. There must be something to it, right? I want an ultra-husky voice, like Marlene Dietrich, or a truck stop waitress/hooker. Lot Lizard sex appeal.
 
I will watch movies from the Criterion Collection. Especially since they’re now available on Hulu. Last night I watched the cryptically awesome and visual weirdness of House. Don’t wait to see this one; it has a house full of blood and a piano that eats people! Anyone who tells you this movie isn’t great is simply wrong.
 
I will look at dancingalonetopony.tumblr.com less. Actually, who am I kidding? No I won’t. Maybe next year. Start small.
 
I will not be afraid of the bell-ringers downtown. Seriously, I keep using alternate routes around downtown and it’s starting to cut into my schedule in a real way. Besides, where my change is concerned, it’s either headed for the Salvation Army buckets or my barista’s tip jar, and my baristas keep me caffeinated. So…easy answer.
 
I will make enough money this year to qualify to meet the minimum amount required to pay taxes. Maybe someday, after I graduate from school, I’ll hit the minimum mark. It’s not looking good for this year. Note to self: Think about selling your comics…. whatever. I might end up being a hobo, but I’ll have the coolest collection of reading material on Shanty Town Road. 

Tags:

Zooey Mae has been working as a writer monkey for Synthesis Weekly since 2007. Her favorite things include (but are not limited to), Jeffrey Brown, bubble wrap, Craig Thompson, pillow forts, receiving handwritten letters, and whiskey. She spends her free time stockpiling supplies for the impending robot Apocalypse and avoiding eye contact with strangers.