Hot Flashes: Welcome To Chico, The Best Place Ever Invented Ever

by DANIEL TAYLOR • Originally Published August 2008

Hey Everybody! OMG did you know that people in Chico are the happiest fucking people on earth? Like without even ever having to try any sort of drugs or alcohol or any other kind of illicit substance? Did you know that Chico is the best place on earth, ever? Did you know that graduating with a degree in anything from California State University, Chico will guarantee you a lifetime of awesomeness and totally relaxing good times, let alone riches beyond your wildest wet dream? I’ll bet you did! That’s why you chose to come here to beautiful Chico, California to spend the best years of your life with the best fucking people on this whole goddamned earth!

Some Rad Things To Do With Your Awesome Friends: Did you know that your first day here you’re guaranteed by the President of the University, Paul Zingg, to meet at least OVER 9,000 totally awesome people your age that share the same interests as you? As soon as you become BEST FRIENDS FOR LIFE with these fucking awesome people, you guys will have so many totally fucking CASH things to do with each other that there won’t be enough hours in the day to possibly get them all done.

Did you know that they invented a park here in Chico, called Bidwell Park, which takes it name from all the totally nice, down to earth people who hang out there that will Bid You Well anytime you come around? Did you know that when you go to this park there are OVER 9,000 types of animals that live there who are all so glad to be sharing their space with humanity th!lt they don’t even mind when you and your fucking AMAZING friends ride your expensive fixed gear bikes through their territory? Did you know that when you swim in One Mile pool in Bidwell Park that it’s always clean at any time of day or night?

Did you know that there has never once ever been a crime committed in the city limits of Chico? You can leave your car unlocked when swimming in the FUCKING TOTALLY BADASSS swimming holes in Bidwell Park and never once have to worry about your worldly possessions being misappropriated. Same goes for your bike! Did you know that in Chico you can leave your bike unlocked at all times without ever having to fear for its safety? There has only been one bike stolen in the entire history of Chico, and that was by a man who had to get to the hospital to donate a kidney to a child he didn’t know who was in danger of becoming ill. Because no one has ever gotten ill in the entire history of Chico either, but it’s been close a few times, let me tell you what!

Some Badical Ways To Spend Your Fucking Insane Amount of Free Time: When you’re not hanging out with your totally insanely close good friends that you just met, you will have a hard time choosing just one of the literally hundreds of ways in which you can spend your free time, which you will always have so much of, here in Chico. Did you know, that there are OVER 9,000 fucking awesome coffee shops in Chico, at which even the most zit faced, idiot high school goth can suddenly become the epitome of college intellectual and wreck a fucking grip of gash? You can also smoke as many as OVER 9,000 cigarettes without ever once having to worry about possible health side effects. But if that doesn’t suit your fancy, you can try one of the many soda pop retailers in town, because lord knows that there’s nothing the people in Chico like more than drinking fucking soda pop! Did you know that in the ‘80s Chico was voted by Highlights Magazine as being the #1 soda drinking school in the entire fucking world? Gosh that was a huge honor. They had a parade in the middle of town called Pioneer Days and everyone got along great especially college kids and the police.

Some Cool Ways To Spend Your Large Sums of Money: One of the best things about Chico is the inordinate amounts of money you will have to spend on anything you want. Lucky for you there are OVER 9,000 totally amazing mom and pop businesses downtown that will go out of their way to cater to exactly what you need. They all have the best stuff and the most badass employees who work there who are all totally happy to serve you. You never know! When you graduate from college in under 4 years maybe you can stick around and work here too and become part of the fucking happiest place on this whole fucking stupid earth!!!!!