The Weenie Way To Wealth


Unless you’ve been a recent victim of alien abduction, it’s a virtual certainty you’ve seen the commercials for Cialis, Viagra, Levitra, and other medications developed to stamp out flaccidity in our lifetime. So dedicated are the drug companies to eradicating this limp-dick scourge that TV commercials promoting the cure for the problem are repeated several thousand times each day. Even kids are exposed to these ads ceaselessly. I’m not sure, but I think I’ve even seen them on Nickelodeon, the Disney Channel, and as a corporate sponsor of Sesame Street.

For those alien abductees who are just now returning to terra firma, you need to be warned about this current epidemic of pharmaceutical advertising directed at the problem known as “erectile dysfunction.” When I first heard this phrase, I thought it was a reference to those embarrassing episodes that plagued me back when I was an adolescent boy called to the front of the class immediately after a bulge-inducing daydream. The problem these E-D commercials are addressing, however, turned out to be just the opposite. Rather than squelching dysfunctional bulges, these new “erectile dysfunction” meds were all about creating bulges.

From what I’d heard most of my life, the symptoms of erectile dysfunction always had to do with excessive functionality rather than a failure to function at all. Erectile dysfunction, as experienced by the general run of males, more commonly arises from hyper-functionality that can lead to infidelity, or other health-depleting failures of commitment. As a medical problem, misunderstandings engendered by indiscriminate and inappropriate erectile hyperfunctioning have a great many side effects which include such stress-inducing experiences as death threats and divorce.

All those problems notwithstanding, there appears to be very little demand for drugs that suppress excessive functionality of the male sex organ. And the development of what are now known as “boner pills” has been a bonanza for American drug companies, so much so that they can afford to advertise their products incessantly in all media, with scenes of men and women in separate bathtubs as a mysterious euphemism for successful male performance.

Nor are the consumers of these hard-on meds put off by warnings about side effects than can include a “four-hour erection.” Most guys, in fact, consider the prospect of a four-hour erection a risk worth taking, and lots of men think of it as a consummation devoutly to be wished, even though doctors will tell you it isn’t.

Solving the problem of guys who can’t rise to the occasion is a very lucrative business. The Department of Defense spent nearly half a billion dollars on boner pills over the past decade, and world-wide sales of erectile dysfunction nostrums exceeded a billion dollars just last year alone.

Which reminds me of a joke. “Question: What’s the difference between anxiety and panic? Answer: Anxiety is when, for the first time, you can’t do it the second time; panic is when, for the second time, you can’t do it for the first time.”

And so the fight against male panic attacks goes on. Cha-ching.


  1. Carolyn says:

    I wholeheartedly agree with you Jaime.
    All those gross ads on TV discussing erectile dysfunction, sexual lubricants, and now pills to promote natural vaginal lubrication through the use of pills with dire and possibly fatal side effects are shown at all times of day and night. My young children see the ads and immediately have to ask me embarrassing questions about it. That is just wrong.

    Knowing that you have long suffered the affliction of erectile dysfunction due to your diabetes and the challenges it can provide to a marriage or relationship can be worked out through medication, surgery, or just understanding and support by a spouse. I admire your speaking from experience and your perspective.
    I do not, however support your use of vulgar terms in some of your articles

  2. Mauser says:

    So how much does it cost you a month for your weenie pills?

    You sure seem to know a lot about “weenies”, some kind of obsession?

  3. Chuck says:

    Poor old limp-dick butt-pirate is jealous of dudes with weinies that work, and has to complain about it in writing.