You guys, the time has finally (almost) come.
It’s my final semester at Chico State. I know this might seem a little premature, announcing my impending graduation when it’s still four months out. However, since the university makes you register for graduation at the beginning of your last semester (or much earlier if you’re doing it right), it’s impossible for me not to think about. The idea of putting on the cap and gown1 and having to then sit for hours in the sun with hundreds of drunk idiots2 makes my skin crawl a bit, but at least I’ll have the satisfaction of being able to say “I told you so” to my parents when I trip on my Hefty bag graduation gown on stage and careen into Paul Zingg. I keep hearing it’s a “milestone moment,” something to be treasured, but it’s amazing how many moments that are supposed to be important and memorable just end up being awkward affairs where I sit around thinking “is this it?” while trying not to fart and ruin things for everyone else.
So, unless I enact my backup plan, wherein I plunge myself deep into debt to obtain a Master’s Degree (mostly just to rub it in people’s faces at family functions3), come mid-May I’ll be finished with school and in possession of my very own Bachelor’s Degree. I’m not sure what’s supposed to happen next, although my mom keeps dropping hints that maybe I should give up my languid life of pillow forts4 and whiskey for something more productive. Originally my dream was to join the brilliant minds at Google, but once I discovered that Google is in fact not just a basement of guys sitting around with encyclopedias, I dunno, it just lost its allure a bit5. I think what I’m going to do instead, is stay in my fort and look at neat stuff on the Internet. Like this!
The X-Files reboot is actually (probably) a thing that’s happening! Last weekend Fox confirmed they were in the logistical process of a reboot. I can’t tell you how excited I am about this. The impetus came (somewhat surprisingly), not from Fox or Chris Carter (the show’s creator), but instead from Gillian Anderson. Earlier this month she appeared on The Nerdist podcast, and expressed interest in making more episodes of this classic series. Although Duchovny and Anderson are both on board, Fox has also explained they wouldn’t be moving forward without Chris Carter, who reportedly “has a lot going on.” After setting my heart aflutter with this promising news, my immediate secondary reaction was, “Oh God, please don’t suck.” Here’s hoping this isn’t another Arrested Development debacle. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to add a second level to my pillow fort, and see if I can drink enough whiskey to fill its walls with more farts than oxygen.
1 Which is actually just repurposed Hefty garbage bags and tassels from old kimonos found in dumpsters.
2 Apparently there is a tradition among graduating seniors of waking up at 6am to drink until noon on graduation day, which I feel perfectly sums up the Chico State Wildcat experience.
3 Take that, Grandma! In. Your. Face.
4 And pillow fort farts.
5 I think I’d rather join the alternate team whose job it is to sit around and send out porn to eager Google searchers anyway.