How To Valentine: A Single Users Guide

 

Well kids, it’s that time of year again, when Cupid and his minions come out to play. For some of you this might be the holiday you’ve been waiting for. Maybe you’re in a new relationship; you’ve still got that tingly, squirmy, maggots in your tum-tum feeling whenever you look at your significant other (Ah, love!). Or maybe you’re in a relationship that you’ve been in for quite a while, and you’re wondering how to mix up the usual Walgreens box of candy (or the old standby: the chain-each-other-to-the-bed routine). Well, if you’re romantically attached, then you probably don’t need a guide explaining how to Valentine.

For My Single Weirdos 

Listen Bozo, I get it. You’re alone, and the idea of a day dedicated to celebrating and glorifying the romantic relationships of everyone around you is about as appealing as that time you woke up because you forgot to shut the window in your bedroom and the stray cats who live in the dumpster outside were licking your face. But hey, Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be all about red hearts and those Russell Stover candies that taste like someone coated balls of toothpaste with melted brown candles.

Speaking from my most mature and thoughtful place (located somewhere around my left elbow, I think), Valentine’s Day isn’t only for couples, but a day to celebrate love in general. Whether that’s calling your parents and telling them that you love them, or just giving your dog an extra head pat, it’s a day for celebrating the comfort that comes from loving, and being loved.

Barf. Amirite? Living life as your best, most mature self is nice in theory, but in practice I’m a bigger proponent of the Bill Watterson line of thinking: “Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.” You might wonder how you can still enjoy the 14th without someone to get weird with. Well, Dear Singleton, I have a few suggestions for you.

Eatery Hijinks 

Make a reservation for one at your favorite fancy eatery. It’s a given that you’ll be surrounded by couples. Try eavesdropping on the tables around you and try (frantically is best) to include yourself in their conversation.

Her: “I love you, Honey.”

Him: “I love you too. I can’t believe it’s already been a year since that first summer day when I laid eyes on you..”

You: “I went out in the sun once. A few months later all my moles turned green and started falling off my body. When I caught my cat, Henry Huggins chewing on one, I knew I had to do something. So now I only come out at night. That looks good, what did you order, can I try some?”

If being chatty isn’t really your style, just cry loudly through your entire meal and blow your nose into your napkin, then ask to borrow the napkins of those dining around you. If the restaurant features a set menu for two, pretend to feed an imaginary date their meal, or bring a surrogate, like your favorite childhood stuffed animal.

Roommate Chicanery 

If the idea of going out on Valentine’s Day is especially repulsive to you, you’re not alone. However, if you live with a roommate or two, chances are that at least one of them is going to bring their awful girlfriend back to your place.

I suggest a two pronged attack. Start by reminding yourself how many times she’s done her laundry at your house, or left the front door unlocked to get yourself good and angry. Then, before they get home, leave a slew of Post-It notes around for them to find. Include messages like the following:

“Dear (insert roommate’s name here), I understand that you have weak bowel control, but please stop pooping in the shower. Or if you do, clean it up. Cordially yours, (your name here).” 

-or-

“Dear (insert roommate’s name here), once again you’ve left your collection of erotic ALF fan fiction out in the living room. I’ve told you before that sexualizing a character from my childhood like that makes me extremely uncomfortable. I also don’t appreciate the drawings you included of you and ALF acting out scenes from your stories. Please keep that bananas shit to yourself. Sincerely, (your name here).” 

Top the night off by alternating Kevin Federline’s debut album Playing With Fire, and “You’re Having My Baby” by Paul Anka. The atmosphere of awful that you will have created in your house is sure to at least ruin everyone’s night, if not clear your house entirely.

Alternative tips include constructing an elaborate maze leading from the front door to your roommate’s bedroom entirely out of bed sheets. This one will take some pre-planning with some fishing line and well-placed screws, but if you can pull it off your roommate will think twice about bringing his beastasaur girlfriend back to your place. If all this sounds too involved, you can always end your night silently crying and masturbating to the sound of their hot monkey love, as usual.

Parental Poppycock 

If for some reason you feel like ruining your parents’ Valentine’s Day by throwing a wrench into the bi-annual sex plans, then you’re a horrible person. Those are your parents! In the immortal words of Mr. T, “Mutha. There is no otha. So treat her right.” If you still wish to continue, then God help you. But, I’m also an awful person, so I’ll still give you a little nugget of torture. Wait until about 8:30pm, when mom is two glasses of white wine into the night, and call them and say you’ve been arrested. Seriously, works every time. My brother and I have both called them to say we’ve been arrested. One of us was kidding, but both of us succeeded in ruining their day.

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