Welcome to Unsolicited Advice, an open column space for anyone who wants to tell someone, or everyone, what’s what. Submit your 500 words to firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear. God. I just read that Shasta County’s Board of Supervisors let a bunch of yahoos come in and convince them to “investigate” the “Chemtrails.” I don’t even know where to start with how stupid this is, so I’ll just randomly throw poop at all of it.
Let’s pretend for a minute that it isn’t super cold in the upper atmosphere (after all, it’s not colder on mountain tops than valleys), and there’s no possibility that condensation vapor forms when the heat of jet engines hits that cold air, either dissipating or freezing into clouds of varying density depending on the fluctuating temperatures and atmospheric conditions in which the planes fly.
Let’s pretend jet engines run on magic instead of heat, and all air is the same temperature at every elevation—it’s easy to see now that there’s no reason for there to be a condensation trail behind the plane. It has to be a purposeful spray of chemicals instead. In fact, I think all condensation is bullshit; when my windshield fogs up in the winter, it’s probably Chem-windshield.
Let’s also pretend that the scientists who study this stuff are actually liars who are more interested in money than science (because scientists are notoriously well-to-do and not interested in facts). Let’s pretend all members of every government are super smart and they all share this nebulous evil agenda no matter who is in office. And the airlines and pilots and plane engineers and mechanics, they’re all in on it. “It” being a conspiracy to either control our minds (which is obviously not working very well if people can figure out the plot) or the weather (which is obviously not working very well unless the goal is to cause the exact kind of instability that happened before they started spraying), or give some lady kidney failure when it rains (which apparently worked, but AT WHAT COST?).
What I can’t really wrap my head around is why, if all those things are true, “they” would do it this way? If you wanted to poison the population with chemicals, you’d get it done cheaper, better, and more secretly by putting them directly in the water, not spraying tiny amounts of them wayyyyy up in the sky hoping they’ll drift down on the populace rather than floating away on the breeze and falling in the middle of nowhere. In fact, you could target the exact people you wanted to mess with by doing just the foods they eat or just the wells on their property. If you were trying to control the weather, why would you keep dumping money into doing it the same way for decades after it was proven ineffective?
My unsolicited advice is this: If you want to have a conspiracy theory that you base your life around, why not try one that isn’t so obviously ridiculous and easily disproven? How about focusing on the Reptilian Hologram people and their plot to start World War III by taking that Malaysian flight that supposedly “disappeared” back in March and now suddenly it’s been “shot down” near the Russian border? WHAT ARE YOU SETTING US UP FOR, OBAMA?