Turtle Nightmare, Meet Nightmare Chair

It started with a hallucination. I don’t really know what else to call it. It was a dream that started while I was still awake. I live alone right now, and my house has a swamp cooler located in the kitchen that’s adjacent to my bedroom. Earlier this week I was drifting off to sleep, listening to the sound of my swamp cooler, and what seemed like a totally normal, rational thought floated through my mind: there are turtles coming through the vents of my swamp cooler. I wasn’t frightened… more annoyed. Mostly irritated, because the thought of getting up in the middle of the night and accidentally stepping on one grossed me right out. I remember lying in bed feeling annoyed and thinking, “I really need to get up and barricade my kitchen off so that all those turtles don’t get everywhere.”

Cut to the next morning, where I woke up and the first thing I saw was my kitchen doorway, indeed barricaded off by a laundry basket and a window fan. Maybe there’s a carbon monoxide leak in my house, and it’s making me dumber. It certainly would explain me dropping my phone later that morning and shattering the face. As a friend later pointed out, there’s probably a really good analogy for continuing to scroll through your social media feeds on your broken phone, despite getting glass shards in your fingertips… but I can’t really think of it, probably on account of the carbon monoxide leak.

There are worse things than shattering the face of your phone though — for instance, if your mobile device were to suddenly and inexplicably burst into flames. That frightening clustercuss actually happened to someone recently, 18-year-old Fanny Schlatter (no, seriously, that’s her name). According to Geekologie, her Samsung Galaxy S3 allegedly exploded and caught fire in her pocket, leaving her with 2nd and 3rd degree burns on her thigh. “All of a sudden she heard an explosion and could smell something funny. To her horror, her cell phone had exploded in her pants and caught fire. The flames were high enough to reach her shoulder; fortunately the young Swiss woman’s life was spared by her boss’s timely action of ripping her pants.” This is a perfect example of why we should all be living in pillow forts with sippy cups filled with equal parts Ativan and whiskey.

Also in the vein of frightening technology, a Brazilian ad agency has teamed up with Outback Steakhouse to create the B-Day Chair: a chair with mechanical arms that hugs you every time someone wishes you a Happy Birthday on your Facebook wall. It also takes a picture of your reaction to the robot hug and posts it on your timeline. Holy shit, guys. A nightmare chair that comes to life and gives you a cold, mechanical hug every time it’s given orders by faceless people on a social media platform? Again, let’s add this to the giant pile of useless inventions that NO ONE ASKED FOR. You can find a video of it in action at www.geekologie.com, but I wouldn’t recommend it, unless you want to have night-terrors for a while. Although, I will admit, it might be better than thinking that turtles are swarming your house.

Zooey Mae has been working as a writer monkey for Synthesis Weekly since 2007. Her favorite things include (but are not limited to), Jeffrey Brown, bubble wrap, Craig Thompson, pillow forts, receiving handwritten letters, and whiskey. She spends her free time stockpiling supplies for the impending robot Apocalypse and avoiding eye contact with strangers.