I’m not sure exactly why, but this last week was really rough. Maybe it was a bad choice to quit my anti-depressants cold turkey, or maybe I shouldn’t have eaten three entire turkeys over the last five days. (That was a terrible joke. Don’t hate me, I need my Teamocil). Whatever it was, I don’t want to question it too much. I just know I’m tired of this week, and when my last class is over I’m going to Yosemite Sam my way home (with whiskey bottles instead of guns), and eat my weight in burritos. Let’s get this bullshit on the road; I’ve compiled a pretty good/weird mix of topics for you nerds.

The following find is something I can only assume was an amazing mind-gasm that was borne of believing (like I do) that Red Bull-type energy drinks are gross, hot sauce is amazing, and sometimes a person just doesn’t feel like drinking coffee. Enter DoubleKick Hot Sauce – a caffeinated sauce that, according to the website, “combines the best of Asian and Southwestern chili sauces, plus ginger and caffeine for an extra energy boost.” You can pick up a bottle at their website (doublekicksauce.com) for about $10 a pop.doublekick_caffeinated_hot_sauce-normal

In another stroke of pharma-brilliance, new “nanocapsules” can take you from sloppy drunk to meet-the-in-laws-sober in just a few minutes. According to io9.com: “a group of researchers have packaged enzymes inside a nontoxic, nanoscale polymer shell that mimic the body’s natural alcohol-processing activities. They’ve been shown to quickly and dramatically reduce blood alcohol levels in intoxicated mice, and show promise as “antidotes and preventive measures for alcohol intoxication.”

This new discovery raises all sorts of questions, most namely how can I get my hands on some of those drunk mice????? Keep in mind, I want them for scientific reasons only (see also: I will make them a little roller coaster and watch them ride it until they puke. I love you drunk mice!) These new magical anti-alcohol pills make me wonder if they might shift our ideas about drinking and behavioral consequences. Can you imagine if you could get hammered at breakfast, then hightail it to school and be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for your Existentialism class at noon? Reminds me of stories my EMT buddy tells me about hospital employees showing up painfully hungover, then hooked up to an IV of hydrating miracle solution and feeling right as rain by the time they clock in.

I should point out that this “nanocapsule” technology will have practical applications that reach beyond this narrow scope. As io9 describes, they “mimic the function of the body’s organelles,” which has never been successfully done before, so this is one area of the medical field to keep an eye on…which isn’t to say you should stop posting on Facebook about the “chemtrails” that the government is poisoning us with… actually yes it is. Please stop. Anyway, is anyone else hugely excited about May? Return of Arrested Development you guys, oh my GOD.

image source: nevernotanerd.com (teamocil)

Zooey Mae has been working as a writer monkey for Synthesis Weekly since 2007. Her favorite things include (but are not limited to), Jeffrey Brown, bubble wrap, Craig Thompson, pillow forts, receiving handwritten letters, and whiskey. She spends her free time stockpiling supplies for the impending robot Apocalypse and avoiding eye contact with strangers.