So, the Coolio show at Lost on Main was cancelled at the last minute this past week. The promoter said it was due to “low presales” but right now, with conspiracy theories running rampant, I’m questioning everything. Maybe Coolio was scared to be downtown at night because of all the homeless people? Maybe he forgot to bring his own plastic bags? Maybe he developed allergies when he got to Chico, even though he never had allergies before? Contrails? Doug LaMalfa? Or maybe Collin Sweeney never had any legit connection to Coolio in the first place? Anyway, according the Lost On Main Facebook page, you can try calling that triflin’ swindlin’ gypsy for a refund at 916-218-0497 but use a voicebox scrambler in case “they” are listening in.

Speaking of conspiracies, I’m pretty sure there’s a Saturday Morning Farmer’s Market conspiracy. Some local downtown business owners are moaning (preposterously) that the Saturday Market is inhibitive and costing them dollars by posting up in the parking lot every Saturday, hogging all the spaces like a bunch of doorway camping street poopers. On the other hand, why DON’T they just move the market over to the Municipal Building parking lot? If it’s a matter of bathrooms, the City Plaza is super close and people can walk across the street to use the public restrooms there right? In fact, what about just relocating the market to the City Plaza? Doesn’t that seem like a huge no-brainer? “Why is everybody so dumb while I am so smart at solving the world’s problems?” says this budding Emperor of the World.

Anyway, that farmer’s market thing isn’t the real conspiracy. It’s really just the distraction being used to mask the machinations of the Sit/Lie Ordinance. Are you sick of seeing homeless people? Are you so scared to go downtown that you’re staying home and not spending all your dollars at Dolce Home even though you really would if you could stomach it, but you can’t so downtown businesses are missing out on all that potential profit? If only Powell’s delivered!

It’s no secret that everybody loves firefighters (overtime budget conspiracies be damned) and that we’re all so grateful they’re such crazy badasses. This week Jen Cartier infiltrates the firefighter camp at the Silver Dollar Fairgrounds and chats it up the way she do. And Nolan wrote his little biscuits off about Sea Wolf and the Winchester Goose, the new beer bar opening up a little too close to my office. It’s a conspiracy!

Sara makes the words happen.