That Guy Bites

A bearded man wearing a blazer and a bow-tie was recently detained at a rest-stop outside Portland, Oregon, for lewd behavior and public indecency. He reportedly offered a plate of his blue-ribbon meatloaf and the promise of an award to the first person who discovered “the gold medallion hanging from his hidden meat” to anyone passing by.

One man was deeply disturbed.

“I came around the corner, and all I could see was this kinda chubby guy with bleached hair and he was yelling, ‘Who wants a taste of my Donkey Sauce?’ Man, it just wasn’t cool.”

Portland police officer J. Dangle had this to say: “This guy keeps showing up at rest-stops around the area. He’ll sometimes go off for hours about some no-star New York Times review before anyone reports it. He goes by the name James ‘Beard’ Franco, and offers people ‘a taste of his sauce’ or ‘meat-packing awards.’ He’s really confused.”

Among the items confiscated from James “Beard” Franco, an interesting piece of evidence was found that may shed light on his shaky mental state. A tattered piece of literature dated October 19, 1978 entitled, The James Beard Guide To Winning In The American Food Industry, was pulled from his blazer pocket after a heavy frisking.

This previously undocumented piece of literature includes the following steps to food-industry success:

1. Remember, bald is beautiful.

2. When they offer you the mustard commercial, work it. Spew that mustard all over the place. Ask ethical questions later.

3. A nice jacket and a bow-tie will help you make friends.

4. Be yourself. I was kicked out of Reed College for homosexual activity in 1922, but this is now. Everyone loves a good American sausage these days.

5. Make friends. In this industry, it’s not what you know, it’s who you know, and how well you know them, wink-wink.

In an interview with The Oregonian, Janie Hubris, Director of Mental Health at Oregon Health and Science University said, “It seems like James ‘Beard’ Franco, whose real name I can’t use (although anyone could recognize him from that Food Network TV show where he eats all that…ew…all that disgusting fried stuff), is suffering from a pretty devastating Times review of his latest restaurant endeavor. He obviously idolizes James Beard. It makes sense. While I can’t offer a diagnosis, it seems he might be suffering from major depression; possibly even PTSD. The general population might call this a ‘nervous breakdown’.”

Hubris noted, that while “Beard’s” behavior may seem outlandish, and of a disturbing, voyeuristic nature, someone who is in denial of a personal failure may act out this way. “He may be trying to protect the attention and adoration he’s sure to lose if his restaurants go under, so he’s emulating an explicit caricature of a food icon,” said Hubris. “But, seriously…off the record…we all know James Beard was into hand-jobs. I mean, that foundation of his, that’s all they do.”

Jen Cartier misses Chico! However, she has taken to the great beyond (er...The Bay Area) to be some kind of chocolate maven while simultaneously figuring out how the hell to navigate her long-ass work commute, and still kick ass at raising three munchkins, loving one soon-to-be husband, and keeping one rascally Brittany Spaniel in the damned yard. She loves Nutella, red wine, and American Spirits. She takes her dog along on runs to wear him out (sometimes he shits in someone else's yard - bonus!) and also to balance her own general consumption of all the fine tasty things life offers, ciggys included. Follow her blog at