Take A Spin In My Tit Castle

Have you guys been watching the World Cup lately? I’ve been really surprised at how well the US is doing, although as of Wednesday night when I’m writing this, we play Germany tomorrow morning and I’m assuming we’ll be out of the competition after that. Although, we’ve been doing so well, and other teams who normally dominate have been performing pretty miserably, which has only increased our chances at moving up. To be honest, I don’t entirely understand the ranking system used in the World Cup. I know it’s based on not just who wins and who loses, but also how many goals were scored in each game. If the US ties Germany, we’re still in it. Even if we lose tomorrow, depending on the outcome of other games, we could still be in it. And if, when Uruguay plays Colombia, Luis Suárez takes a bite out of another player, a million more memes and GIFs will be born.

If for some reason you have no idea what I’m talking about, Luis Suárez is Uruguay’s starting forward. He’s been accused in the past of getting bitey with his opponents, but never before on such an unforgiving stage as the World Cup. And as strangely comical as this shameful behavior might seem, all I could think when I saw it happen was, “Germs. So. Many. Germs.” Even the Liam Neeson-esque headbutt move of Zidane in the last World Cup would have been safer on a bacteria level.

It would seem that I’m not the only germ- conscious individual out there, as I came across an article on i09 discussing all the possible bacterial infections and other terrible outcomes caused by being bitten by another human. According to the article, Hepatitis B and C, HIV and herpes simplex virus can all be transmitted by a human bite. Apparently the main concern regarding the area where Chiellini was bitten is nerve damage. In his post-game interview, Suarez had this to say: “There are things that happen on the pitch and you should not make such a big deal out of them.” Yikes.

And now, on a lighter, dare I say, bouncier, note: A booby bounce house! As pictured above, this magnificent oddity resides in the New York City Museum Of Sex. I have to say I appreciate the fact that the boobies are all different shades and sizes, but the odd shape of them makes them look like umbrellas to me. Or eyeballs. Hey kids, c’mon over and take a spin in my tit castle! It might be difficult to actually jump around in, but at least you’ll have Fantasia-esque dreams of strangely proportioned tits to look forward to for weeks to come!

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Zooey Mae has been working as a writer monkey for Synthesis Weekly since 2007. Her favorite things include (but are not limited to), Jeffrey Brown, bubble wrap, Craig Thompson, pillow forts, receiving handwritten letters, and whiskey. She spends her free time stockpiling supplies for the impending robot Apocalypse and avoiding eye contact with strangers.