So we know the semester just started, and you probably won’t be going anywhere fun until Spring Break (Spring Break, woooooo!), but calm down, not everything is about you. For all you adults with jobs (what’s that like?), Burners (please stop talking about Burning Man), or those with pockets flush with cash (because of weed season, obviously), looking to travel somewhere by plane, this guide is for you! The following is a helpful list of handy hints that are sure to make your next plane ride a breeze. 1
1. Choose your seat wisely. For those of you with small bladders, this may be especially important. Don’t be that idiot who has a window seat but gets up twelve times an hour to pee. At the same time, don’t be the idiot who forces the plane to make an emergency landing after their bladder bursts from refusing to get up when they need to.
2. Bring a sleep kit. Some people will tell you that this consists of a blanket and eye mask, but they’re mean jerks who don’t like you and think that haircut makes your face look fat. A real sleep kit, one that’s actually effective, consists of Benadryl or Tylenol PM, a Walkman, and plenty of Metallica tapes. This kit can also be employed when you don’t follow tip #1, and end up with a full bladder in a window seat. If you let this situation happen to you, take some Benadryl and forget about your full bladder. When that four year old butthole behind you won’t stop kicking your seat and yelling, the best thing you can do is pop a few Bennies, crank the volume to eleven and let the sweet percussive stylings of Sir Lars Ulrich take you away.
3. Know when to fight back. At a certain point, if your seatmate(s) are lowering your quality of life too much, you should know that it becomes ok for you to retaliate a bit. I recommend purchasing salmon jerky in the airport. You might be wondering why an airport would sell such stinky food. Obviously it’s there as weaponry. They know what they’re doing. Crack the seal on that dried fish and watch with wonder as the shared armrest miraculously becomes all yours, and the seat in front of you is immediately placed back in the upright position. If the jerky fails, eat whatever fart fuel they’re hocking on the flight and spend the remaining time trying to fart hard enough to shake the seat. Even if they fail to notice, you’ll have fun amusing yourself, and the worst case scenario is that strangers will smell the inside of your butthole. 2
Please enjoy these travel tips responsibly, and don’t blame us if they result in your arrest and/or poopy pants. Now go forth, and travel the Synthesis way!
1 In reality, nothing short of First Class and/or a teleporter could make air travel a breeze.
2 Or that you’ll try too hard and poop yourself a little.