Synonyms For Penis

The other day I came home to a seriously funky smell in my house. Because my residence is home to a dog, cat and three dudes, there was really no telling where its point of origin was. However, after a thorough examination of the kitchen, living room, dining room, and the removal of the trash, the smell still lingered. I was beginning to think the cat had eaten expired mayonnaise, crawled army style underneath the couch and taken a covert poop to spite me (tricky bastard), when finally the culprit was revealed. A bowl of broccoli in the microwave had been sitting unnoticed, watching me and probably laughing at my futile attempts to find the smell as I wandered around the house sniffing like a rabid cokehead.  
In an attempt to cover the smell of rancid broccoli, a well-meaning roommate lit some incense, which really just mixed the putrid/farty smell of broccoli with the smell of heady/earthy perfume. The incense somehow multiplied the power of broccoli and it leveled up to necessitate the implementation of the “Open All The Windows” contingency plan. The funk dissipated after a day or two, but the whole experience made me realize the air freshener selection leaves a lot to be desired.
So imagine my delight to read on “researchers at The Weizmann Institute have engineered an odor that they claim is the chemical equivalent of the color white, or the sound of white noise – a totally neutral scent.”

Although the product (being called Laurax) is a combination of over thirty different scents, the final product is one that makes the individual smells impossible to discern on their own. Not yet available to the public, I can only hope it makes a speedy entrance onto the market for future smelly mysteries.
In vomit-inducing news, reported a man in Thailand recently had his penis removed after olive oil injections over the last 20 years caused cancer to spring up in his unit. No guys, really. The 50-year-old (who chose to remain anonymous for obvious reasons), had started the injections years before after hearing it would increase the size of his wiener, and kept doing so even though he noticed no change. He continued loading his peen up with olive oil up until three years ago, when he found his willy had inexplicably become rather discolored. Because he could wash most of the discoloration away in the shower (yikes) he ignored the problem until “tests confirmed the cancer had spread through most of the tissue.” In the wake of Thanksgiving, finding this gem of a story online made me thankful I don’t have a penis. As if I needed another reason. I promise next week to not choose such gross topics for discussion. 

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Zooey Mae has been working as a writer monkey for Synthesis Weekly since 2007. Her favorite things include (but are not limited to), Jeffrey Brown, bubble wrap, Craig Thompson, pillow forts, receiving handwritten letters, and whiskey. She spends her free time stockpiling supplies for the impending robot Apocalypse and avoiding eye contact with strangers.