“So I told that one guy, ‘Come back and see me when you’re the last man on Earth.’ Do I have to bone him now? Like, for reals?”

Did you shake on it?

A verbal contract is difficult for a court to uphold because it turns into “he said/she said.” There is no way for either side to prove their version of the contract.

I spoke to my associate Viscount Lispsenard-Toft, Esq. and he said: “There is an old joke that ‘an oral contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.’ That’s a reference to the fact that it can be very difficult to prove that an oral contract exists. Absent proof of the terms of the contract, a party may be unable to enforce the contract, or may be forced to settle for less than the original bargain. Thus, even when there is not an opportunity to draft up a formal contract, it is good practice to always make some sort of writing, signed by both parties, to memorialize the key terms of an agreement.”

It would seem that you are not contractually obligated to “bone-down” but how about giving it a whirl anyway? I mean, what else do you have going on?

“How do I make my zombie boyfriend want me for my body and not my brains? What’s a girl gotta do to be objectified in a post-feminism world?”

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls.

Let’s face it sugartits, ain’t no zombie gonna respect you for your body. If it’s objectification and pleasures of the flesh you seek, you must find a being that can see you for the fine piece of ass you are, and that is certainly not going to be some shallow brainiac zombie. May I suggest scoping out the remnants of the local college bars and fraternity homes. In no time your brains will have been so fucked out as to be of no interest to zombies anyhow.

“I’m in the bunker with my significant other, but my hot neighbor can run faster, jump further and may be a better choice, if it’s up to me to repopulate the world. Is it ok to cheat?”

You are a horrible person.

No, really. Are you and my ex-wife BFFs?

Moral turpitude aside, you are free do whatever the fuck you want. The world is in shambles, and it is advisable to remember on what side one’s bread is buttered. Take stock of the potential outcomes and with whom you can work best to survive. It may be that your current less-attractive partner can hunt, gather and make shelter, whereas fancypants Baryshnikov can jump and prance all sexy-like and do shit-all in the survival category.

But really, do everyone a favor and die in a fire. You sound like a horrid pain in the ass.

— Balls

A jaunty gent, Balls McPhearson offers timeless advice to life's puzzlers. He enjoys outdoor sport and appreciates fine cigars as well as high quality mustache wax.