Sexytimes

 

Why do guys get so upset and take it personally when a woman doesn’t finish every time? 

Because oftentimes, men’s self-worth and esteem is ego-driven. To fail at a job is a fail.

They feel as if they have just been defeated. He just lost the game.

Now, if he is vested in your pleasure he will want to work with you and want to succeed. The motive may be more for saving his ego and less for your pleasure, but you’ll still reap the benefits. If it is to be more than a one-time-only occurrence, guide him. He’s a dog; train him to touch, lick, pet, stroke, bite where it will deliver maximum KABLOOEY power. You can rebuild him— you can make him stronger.

Speaking just for this author, Balls does not ever fail at satisfying a woman. Ever. My success IS ego-driven and as such I have developed an oral talent nonpareil.

Men, quit jackrabbiting your dick like it’s some great gift. Learn oral NOW.

My hub and I are in a dry spell. I want to get things moving but I’m the one with the (much) higher sex drive, and I forgot how to initiate years ago. And he’s not a morning guy, so a wake-up BJ is out of the question (I’ve tried, it’s a no-go). 

Your sex drive is off the chart and his is on life support. Rad. Just fuck someone else; that’s what you want me to say isn’t it? I mean really, start hanging out with his pals and find some new dick. That’s what’s “in” these days. No? Ok, if you’re not about sampling new people, then you’ll need to work it out somehow. You need to get to the root of the matter by talking to him. This tired-ass subject is the focus of Cosmopolitan every damned month, and it is all due to the breakdown of actually conveying wishes/dreams/desires to your partner. Dead Bedroom Syndrome is real. There are myriad studies that show it’s due to boredom, lack of spark, over-familiarity, his fault/her fault, or financial and environmental factors. Fact is—it’s up to you two to figure out the impasse. No one person or article can successfully un-do this tangle. If the two of you are unable to speak the same language of your sexual needs, then a professional therapist may be a helpful translator.

Back-pocket trick: a sultry striptease to Cat’s in the Cradle or Dust in the Wind.

That will get his boner a bobbin’.

Is it ever possible to recover the ‘mood’ once you let out a vag-fart or butt fart? 

Air goes in, air comes out. See: How a Piston Works.

That said, if you rip one out of the blue whilst your partner is giving you oral— that’s just mean. Funny, but mean. Personally, I don’t care. Sexual activity can be untidy. Deal with it.

Unrelated subject matter: Novembeard. You may have read about the Chico Beard Collective in last week’s Synthesis. If not, go to synthesisweekly.com and read the article. The CBC holds Novembeard to raise funds for music and arts programs at Chico and PV High Schools. These programs are instrumental in the development of non-shithead citizens. Please donate your time, money, or raffle items to this wonderful cause. Find a participating beard grower and donate today. More information at fb.com/chicobeardcollective.

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A jaunty gent, Balls McPhearson offers timeless advice to life's puzzlers. He enjoys outdoor sport and appreciates fine cigars as well as high quality mustache wax.