Is it okay to also snuggle/pet your kitty while your guy is petting YOUR kitty? 

There is so much wrong with this I don’t know where to begin. You either have the world’s most boring and comatose cat, or your man is the worst at working a vagina. ONE of those kitties should be squirming to the point of losing control. If he is doin’ stuff to you and you’re still able to concentrate on and hold a cat, he’s awful at his job. That cat should be freaked the fuck out and running for cover because you’re unable to hold still. Place the focus in the room on one kitty at a time.

What’s the optimal position in a sedan-size car so I don’t get bruises from bumping into various things? Inquiring minds want to know! 

For reference, “sedan-size” includes makes like Ford Fusion, Chevy Malibu, Toyota Camry.

Speaking from experience, I find the limitations are more on the people than the space. If one of you is larger, or less flexible, the options dwindle to pretty much back-seat-only. In the back seat you can go at it much the same as a living room sofa. However, I am under 6’ and my best luck has been had with fully reclining and scooting back the passenger seat. The lady may place her feet on the dash and guy-on-top can easily use the space to take care of business. Remember, if your man is hulky or either of you is on the plumper side, this just won’t work. I have folded the back seat down and used it in conjunction with the access space to the trunk, but I don’t suggest this unless you’re into some freaky kidnapping-fantasy shit.

Thinking larger—if you have access to an SUV or Cadillac Coupe de Ville, you’ll avoid most bruising.

Why are you having car sex anyway? You live with your mother or something?

Dear Balls, 

I met these two guys a few weeks ago. One of them was really cute, but the other one asked for my number. After about a week we had started sexting, but then it dropped off. Then yesterday his hot friend texted me and it started getting kind of frisky too. The weird part is, about 10 minutes into that, the first guy suddenly sent me some dirty texts. I feel sort of awkward flirting with both of them, but it makes me feel good to get so much attention and I can’t seem to stop. 

It is my duty to inform you that both of these clowns were seated next to each other on the same damn couch and high-fiving each other at your expense.

Pouring one out for Frank Riley. RIP.

–Balls McPhearson

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A jaunty gent, Balls McPhearson offers timeless advice to life's puzzlers. He enjoys outdoor sport and appreciates fine cigars as well as high quality mustache wax.