Sexytimes

 

Dear Balls,

There is no easy way of saying it so I am just going to say it. I am twenty-year-old female and am still a virgin. I feel like a unicorn when I say that. But I also feel shame when I say that; so saying this is really hard and I would prefer, if possible, to stay anonymous. Now the reason I am writing to you is because I have hope for some advice that may help me to join the other side of the grass because I heard it was REALLY green. 

–Unicorn 

There must be a reason you are still a virgin. If you wanted to simply go out and have sex—you’d have gone out and had sex.

I’m not able to give solid advice on this. Because on the surface it is overly simple. Want a glass of water? Get a glass of water. Want to have sex? Go have sex.

You probably want it to be special and/ or meaningful. Fair enough. Maybe the persons in your life are not “romp material”—well, I ask, what makes a potential partner worthy in your eyes? Do you know what it is you want? Are you comfortable enough in your OWN body and WITH your own body to know what works for you and what doesn’t? Do you know how to treat yourself with respect and what respect you demand from others? Then just remain receptive to those around you—talk to the ones that make ya tingle and go share an ice cream. It can and will happen organically if you keep true to yourself and are honest about what you deserve in return.

Or, you know—just go get nailed already. Your call.

OK…are guys turned off by normal day smells down there? Cuz not everyone can take a shower before sexytime. Ya know? I put his sweaty balls in my mouth. Did they smell like roses? NO! But did I do it anyways? Yes. Did it turn me off? NO! 

Sincerely, Rose 

Well, Rose, I’ll bet his balls did smell like roses since they were in Rose’s mouth HEY-OHH!

Are guys turned off by normal day smells of your fun-zone? If your norm is a cross between low tide and the rendering plant—then yes. That is a turn off.

Don’t try to be all like “screw them if they can’t take the real me.” No. If you have a chronic problem of a rot-smelling vagina, then you should get checked out by your doc.

However everyone’s vaginal smells differ and are not normally a turn off, they are more often a big turn-ON. This is attraction being manifested in its most primal form. If a person isn’t hip to the other person’s pheromones and aroma, then the match isn’t there and it’s like “meh… thanks, but I’ll see ya around.” I have been with a woman who was mildly attractive physically, but when I went down on her the taste and smell was all wrong for whatever genetic coding was engrained in my being. I just wasn’t into it. Nice girl, but the party wasn’t happenin’. I’d bet another guy finds her to taste like ambrosia. Some folks love onions, others hate them; some think Chanel No.5 is the sexiest perfume, others think it smells like gasoline. Short answer is to just keep things hygenic and bathe. Aside from any adverse condition, your vagina’s taste and odor is all yours and will attract the right person, whoever that may be. But seriously, showers are a good thing. Especially if you just completed a 100-mile bicycle ride wearing yoga pants. Mmmm TART!

My boyfriend and I recently moved in together, and we’re already having problems. He goes and hangs out with his friends without telling me and dinner gets cold, then we fight because he says I’m being his Mom. 

–Naggy McNaggerton 

Why did you move in together? What are you envisioning here? What’s the long-term goal? Please have a sit-down with him. Explain that when he does what he does, it hurts your feelings. Allow him to explain… oh fuck this—my guess is he’s not gonna want to hear any part of it. So in that case, let’s all fast-forward about 6 months to when you split up and go your separate ways. You’re welcome.

My head hurts.

–Balls

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A jaunty gent, Balls McPhearson offers timeless advice to life's puzzlers. He enjoys outdoor sport and appreciates fine cigars as well as high quality mustache wax.