What is the correct office etiquette when your boss (whom you like, but not in “that” way) is clearly sporting an erection? Is it proper for one to point out the elephant in the room (or maybe “pickle in the room” might be a better analogy)? Or should one simply begin extolling the virtues of restrictive undergarments in the workplace?



Mmm, pickles. I do love a tart pickle on a hot day. Sometimes I’ll sit at my desk and just lick the juices off of the pickle as if it were an ice cream cone. This practice has disturbed co-workers on occasion and could be seen as harassment of some sort, I’m sure. But I digress. I am assuming your boss is a man, and as such, this is a normal bodily function. Best to just carry on silently. Perhaps offer him a nibble of your pickle?


I had a 4-month relationship with a guy about a year ago (actually longer but I don’t want to sound pathetic), and 6 months later, I developed HPV. I don’t communicate with this guy at all, and really don’t want to. For the sake of the other women he will date, do I have to tell him? I had a long sexless gap before I dated him, and have only used condoms since. What an asshole. (Which autocorrect changed to “an Adolf.” Lol.) 

–Anonymous pal


Ignoring your jerkface Der FührerFone, let’s chat about the ol’ HPV. You’re not gonna like this.

HPV, unfortunately, is one of those things you cannot determine from whom you got it or how long ago, unless you were a virgin and have only ever been with one person. If you had partners before this boyfriend, it is possible you got the virus from one of them, and for whatever reason it is choosing to present itself now.


Genital human papillomavirus (HPV) is a common virus. Most sexually-active people in the United States will have HPV at some time in their lives. There are more than 40 types of HPV that are passed on through sexual contact. These types can infect the genital areas of men, including the skin on and around the penis or anus. They can also infect the mouth and throat. Most men who get HPV (of any type) never develop any symptoms or health problems.

Currently, there is no HPV test recommended for men. The only approved HPV tests on the market are for screening women for cervical cancer. They are not useful for screening for HPV-related cancers or genital warts in men. More can be researched here:


To alert this man would be useless, and possibly incorrect. He may or may not have been the source, and unfortunately there is no 100% surefire method for him to even test for it. Your (and everyone’s) best practice going forward is to use condoms, have regular health checkups, and only engage in unprotected sex when in a long-term committed relationship where the occasional viruses and babies are an acceptable risk.


I’d like to see you fill some space with an answer as to why you always knock over the trash can in the bathroom.



Listen, pal. I don’t just knock over the trash can in the bathroom as I leave to be some sort of social deviant. I have a very good reason for leaving the trashcan on its side—backed by science, no less!


In a Stanford University study, “The ideal posture for defecation is the squatting position, with the thighs flexed upon the abdomen. In this way the capacity of the abdominal cavity is greatly diminished and intra-abdominal pressure increased, thus encouraging expulsion.”


The reason is because of the puborectalis muscle. This muscle acts as a sling for your rectum and maintains continence. When we sit down on the toilet, the hold on the rectum is loosened, but only partially. In a squatting posture, the hold is completely relaxed, allowing for an easier release of your bowel.


Read expert testimonials and buy your own poopin’ stool here:

(Or just use a trashcan on its side.)


–Balls OUT


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A jaunty gent, Balls McPhearson offers timeless advice to life's puzzlers. He enjoys outdoor sport and appreciates fine cigars as well as high quality mustache wax.


  1. Jen Cartier says:

    Mr. Burgundy, you have a massive erection. – Veronica Corningstone