Students! Allow myself to introduce… myself.

I am Balls McPhearson, and I am somehow the love/sex/life advice columnist. I assure you I have ZERO formal training in social work and as such, I often feel most of you are a bunch of whiny milquetoasts who could all use a swift kick in the pants and some common sense. I’m not even paid for this shit.

You can send me correspondence at 

To the inbox we go!

Dear Balls,

Obviously I would never want to be a rapist, but I do want to get laid. How can I tell when it’s OK to put my penis in someone?

OK. What the fuck is the matter with you? You obviously would be better off french-kissing a bottle of Jager and jerking off alone than attempting sexxin’ up on some poor soul. But in the public interest, let’s all play a game together. It does not involve anyone getting naked or dressing up as Little Bo Peep. It will be a simple exercise in “Rape/Not Rape”:

What if a girl is all over me at a party, downs a whole bottle of Jack, and is throwing up in the trashcan next to my bed?

Yeah. That’s totally hot times. You’re better than that. Oh, by the way, RAPE.

What if we’ve done it before, but she’s playing hard to get? All “I’m tired,” or “I’m not in the mood,” or “your wiener smells like gym socks.”

Your wiener is not a gift—it smells like old cat food, and due to excessive alcohol use, it’s probably a half-chub at best. If you’re that fucking amazing and great, go try your luck on a new person who may be receptive to your advances. Better yet, go take a shower.

What if we’re in a relationship? My needs matter too; couldn’t she just let me do it really quick?

MY NEEDS, MY NEEDS. Shut the fuck up, you coercive ass. Still rape. If she says no and you say yes, that’s rape. Are you getting it yet? Oh, same goes if you’re married. Check CA Penal Code 262. No means no means no.

What if I bought her an expensive dinner, put on some Barry White, and really laid down the romance—but then she’s all frigid and awkward when I whip it out? 

Let’s pretend you treated your best bro to tacos and beer for his birthday, and he whipped it out toward you. Yeah. Thought so. Keep it in your trousers.

What if we’ve been making out and I go down on her for like 20 minutes, but then she doesn’t want to go any further? Isn’t that some kind of oral contract?

You’re an idiot. Please go stand on the train tracks.

There is entirely too much talk about classifying types of rape—date rape, spousal rape, statutory rape, gang rape, rapey rape, grape rape—caused by suggestive clothing, suggestive actions, dirty music and film, mob mentality, walking alone, too much to drink, ad nauseam.

Let’s simplify things (because it really is a simple distinction): ANY sexual penetration, however slight, is sufficient to complete the crime. Period. [CA SECTION 261-269 PC]

Causes? RAPISTS. Not clothes, actions, music or alcohol. Rape happens at the hands of a rapist.

Don’t be a rapist. Nobody likes a rapist.

Now, go forth and have lots of deliciously super-filthy sex! (Consensual and with condoms!)

–Balls, out

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A jaunty gent, Balls McPhearson offers timeless advice to life's puzzlers. He enjoys outdoor sport and appreciates fine cigars as well as high quality mustache wax.