Send in the Killer Clowns

Sometimes I think it must be a sign that the world is ending when I hear about truly awful and depraved things happening. Other times I think it’s simply the onrush of information, ever-hastened by our desire for instant access to every corner of the Earth and its unique (yet still strangely familiar and synchronistic) happenings. Oh Internet, I wonder what Tim Berners-Lee thinks of the positivity of your instant accessibility now…

The specific depraved act which prompted this thought was a humble news story reported by our own KRCR about a teenager in Corning who tried to BBQ the family dog. Apparently he choked it, placed it on an unlit BBQ and was attempting to light it when someone intervened. (The dog is “fine.”) I don’t understand what would drive someone to want to torture and kill a dog in such a terrible way. Although, Meth was found in the pockets of the offending teen, so I guess that should be self-explanatory.

In more uplifting, albeit stranger news, a Japanese woman has created a kayak which is a blown up replica of her ladyparts. The artist, Rokudenashiko, has explained that she wishes to end the taboo surrounding the vagina by creating all sorts of vagina-shaped objects (a house, plane, bed, etc). First of all, I’m not sure objectifying a vagina by literally creating vagina objects sends a pro-pussy message. I mean, I can’t imagine fashioning a house that’s a giant anatomically-correct model of a vagina would inspire more respect for ladybits. If anything, you’d just be that weird asshole with a giant pussy house. Every neighborhood has one (a weird asshole, not a giant pussy house). The one who lived in my childhood neighborhood was called (by us, in hushed whispers) “Crazy Bob,” and all he did to earn his moniker was run a Russian Orthodox Church out of his garage and grow a startling number of cacti on his property. I can’t imagine what we’d have called him if he’d been the self-appointed emperor of his own pussy palace.

Lastly, if there’s a child in your life (or anyone really), who you hate, who also hates clowns, you’re in luck! Dominic Deville is a self-described “evil clown” who will stalk your child (or the person of your choosing), for a fee. Deville will harass the lucky so-and-so with phone calls, texts, leave notes for them to find which describe how they’re in danger, are being watched, will soon be attacked, yada, yada, yada. At the end of the week, if your child hasn’t suffered a mental breakdown, Deville (in full evil clown regalia), will smash a cake into their face. Deville swears that if it’s too much he’ll back off, but to me it all just smacks of a ready-made horror movie. Plus, if you’re the type of parent that thinks having an evil clown stalk your child is all in good fun, you’ll probably want to save your money for when your kid grows up and needs many years of intense therapy. On a totally unrelated note, are any of you deathly afraid of clowns? No reason, you guys. I’m just curious. Promise.

Zooey Mae has been working as a writer monkey for Synthesis Weekly since 2007. Her favorite things include (but are not limited to), Jeffrey Brown, bubble wrap, Craig Thompson, pillow forts, receiving handwritten letters, and whiskey. She spends her free time stockpiling supplies for the impending robot Apocalypse and avoiding eye contact with strangers.

Comments

  1. Love you Zooey Mae.