There’s a congressman in Texas who recently made an appeal to the conscience of America, urging us all to oppose abortion because, according to him, little fetuses have been shown to have a special fondness for their own genitals—or that area of their body where genitals would be if their genitals had developed yet. The guy’s name is Michael Burgess, and he’s said to be an OB/GYN, if that fact helps you make up your mind about him. Or about how you feel regarding a woman’s right to choose, for that matter.

But the logic of his argument is confusing, especially coming from a right-winger. I always thought that the more conservative among us took a dim view of what used to be called “self abuse,” so I would have figured that the far-right types might be less inclined to want to bring these tiny womb-wankers to full term, after which those little pervs are likely to grow up and become salacious sex addicts trying to find uses for their genitals that involve people other than themselves.

Anyway, according to Congressman Burgess, those mothers-to-be you see in the supermarket or on the street are all bearing tiny jerk-offs and pud-pullers—as if the world didn’t have enough of those already. And in the logic of this Texan defender of the unborn, the fact that these potential human beings have taken a serious interest in fondling themselves in utero is an argument for returning to the good old days when men worried they’d grow hair on their palms if they played with themselves, and involuntarily-pregnant women practiced birth control with coat hangers or Coca Cola.

In other crazy-people-news, there’s been a flurry of stories about the Christian fundamentalists who practice wife-spanking as a means of instructing women on knowing their place in the divine scheme of things. The practice is known as Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD) and according to one website that extols the practice, this is “a different type of spanking. It is not punishment, nor is it erotic. Instead it is designed for catharsis, to help her [the wife] release whatever pent-up emotions and thoughts she has inside.” I tried it on my wife, and boy, did she release some pent-up emotions. I’m sleeping out on the deck until she rounds up those emotions and returns them to wherever they were before they got released.

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