Remember, You Read It Here First: Fearless Predictions For 2014


Yes, boys and girls, it’s a brand new year again, when journalists trot out predictions for the months that lie ahead, prognostications for the future that provide interesting reading for all of those who peer so fearfully ahead, wondering what surprises fate holds in store for us all.

And for those who concoct these predictions, the risks of being wrong are very small since no one ever saves these columns to check on the accuracy of our guesses after another twelve months have elapsed.

Still, I’m pretty damn sure the predictions that follow are almost certain to come true. As the saying goes, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that over the next year, the following things are gonna happen.

1. More children will die needlessly of gun violence. In the year since the Newtown massacre, 194 kids under 12 have been shot to death, 127 of them in their own homes. School shootings are even more common than stories about Lindsay Lohan’s legal troubles. So, with grim certainty, I predict more dead kids, lots of them on our school grounds.

2. Following each mass shooting there will be a brief flurry of hand wringing by commentators and politicians about what’s gone wrong, and what can be done.

3. The National Rifle Association will remind us that the Founding Fathers believed in the right of every American to have weapons in whatever caliber and magazine capacity they might want, and that anything less would be an intolerable curtailment of our god-given right to live in a country where we sacrifice our kids to our love of our shootin’ irons.

4. Nothing whatsoever will be done—no legislation, no restrictions, no sanity.

5. Gun sales will spike after each school shooting as Americans rush to buy guns they fear the government plans to ban.

6. Justin Bieber will do something callow and stupid. He will also make more money than can be justified by his talent, his fading appeal, or his contribution to humanity.

7. Ditto, Miley Cyrus.

8. At least once a month, Barack Obama will do something every preceding president has done. When Obama does it, however, it will prompt outrage at Fox “News” and throughout the right wing noise machine. He will shake hands with someone the right doesn’t like, or he will forget to put on his American flag pin, or he’ll use the wrong fork during a White House dinner. Limbaugh and clones will go ape shit for two days, lamenting how far we’ve fallen from the golden days when white men were in the White House, and decent folk could lynch black guys who got too uppity.

9. Somewhere on the planet, there will be a cold snap, causing Anthony Watts and other climate change deniers to say, “see, we told you climate change was a liberal hoax.”

10. Republicans will continue their group meltdown at the prospect of medical coverage being extended to millions of their fellow citizens.

Clip and save this column. If I haven’t called at least 9 of these accurately, your money will be cheerfully refunded.

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  1. Murray Suid says:

    I think you nailed it, Jaime. And your piece is also funny. May I suggest that you also give us your “positive” predictions. In 2013, for example, I wish at the start of 2013 I had been smart enough to have predicted the rise of same-sex marriage (a very good thing for many of my friends and also for society) and the increasing access to marijuana (a substance that I don’t happen to use, but that I feel should be decriminalized).

  2. J. Felding says:

    I predict that your hatred for Republicans will continue, the Obama care will be permanently removed, Democrats will continue to get dumber, and Obama will be forcibly removed from office and tried with charges of treason.

    1. P.D.H. says:

      Nice one, J. i agree.

  3. Barry Choomgang says:

    I prefer this prediction.

    #1 Democrats will keep ignoring the fact that blacks violently kill, rape, and rob more people than any other race in America, and blame guns. Anyone who tells the truth about it will be called racist.

    #2 See #1. And no one will admit that “gun free zones” are target-rich areas for mass murderers. AND ignore the fact that Detroit and D.C. having the strictest gun control laws STILL have the highest gun death rates.

    #3 Your unfounded hate for the NRA will increase as well as your love for the NSA. NRA memberships and support will continue to skyrocket.

    #4 Democrats will keep trying to outlaw gun-shaped pop tarts, t-shirts with scary gun pictures, anything to do with guns, and continue to try and shred the Constitution Of The United States.

    #5 Absolutely correct. Deal with it.

    #6 Swap Barack Obama’s name for Justin Bieber, and it’s a done deal.

    #7 Ditto Pelosi, Feinstein, Hillary Clinton, Sheila Jackson Lee, and Sebelius.

    #8 The illegal alien Muslim, Socialist, and habitual liar President will continue his best efforts to bankrupt and ruin our country.

    #9 Perfect. It’s already happened, and has proven the “Global Warmers” are full of shit.

    #10 Obamacare will have finally been defeated, Democrats will cry out in eternal anguish, and Republicans will celebrate their great victory over an unconstitutional socialist threat to liberty.