“If you really want to make money on the Internet, figure out how to sell discipline.” –Me on Twitter, April 11th, 2011.
Have you ever gone in search of something you said a long time ago on Facebook or Twitter, spending all this time searching and searching for that little nugget of delight that you’re sure was sofa king profound and hilarious that EVERYBODY would be #mindblown if only you could extract it from the cavernous archives of the intertubes? And then you find it after spending way too much time bloodying your eyeballs seeking it out only to realize it wasn’t really that great, and you end up just moving on like, “Meh, nevermind.” Well that’s the story of the quote above.
I started looking for that quote because I’ve been struggling with maintaining momentum when it comes to going to the gym. I told myself when I quit my last job that I’d be free as a bird to go to the gym every day. I’d be in such great shape! I’d have so much energy that I’d even consider volunteering in my child’s classroom (if I found a hazmat suit to fit me.) I’d be up early packing nutritious lunches, waving them off to school instead of peeling myself out of bed only to throw some Cliff bars at them and drive them to school sans pants.
I’d spend my afternoons in my franchy nook with my vintage, cursive Hermes typewriter, writing my great American novel, The Universe Conspires To Give Us Everything We Want, All We Have To Do Is Let It Happen. Thank goodness I didn’t write that big piece of crap, amirite? So anyway, if you’re feeling less than motivated or lacking in discipline and you’d like a buddy to chuckle with while treadmilling, send me an email. But please don’t get mad if I accidentally talk you into going to eat cake instead. I’m the worst!
Speaking of how I’m the worst, I’m getting ready to go on vacation. The Griswolds are going to Hawaii! If you’re an expert at traveling with children, please feel free to pass on some tips to email@example.com. I was planning to use the large-sized pet carriers, but maybe my six-year-old could fit into a smaller one? Should I check the children with the rest of my luggage, or purchase a special tag that says, “This Side Up?” Will the snacks on the plane be enough, or should I also give them roofies? If I drink quickly, how many gin & tonics can I ingest before landing in Honolulu? Once I get there, should I just get a kiddie pool, fill it full of sunblock, and make them roll around in it so I don’t hurt my wrists rubbing it all over them every second? Volcano, Pearl Harbor Memorial, or Hammerhead shark-breeding shallows – which one is the best place to “accidentally” lose your kids? How strict are people in Hawaii about wearing pants?