Pubic Hair And Global Warming

I recently learned something rather startling that has me worried on a number of fronts. I am a man of a certain age, and for that reason it has been a long time since I’ve been in the presence of nubile young women when they aren’t wearing any clothes. In order to access what I know about the appearance of young women’s bodies, I must rely on increasingly unreliable memory. Memory lapses notwithstanding, however, I do recall rather vividly that one marked characteristic of young women back in my day was that they all had pubic hair. In a stunning change in human evolution occurring in the generation now young, pubic hair is disappearing from the female body.

 

During a recent visit to one of those old- fashioned barbershops that come replete with magazines appealing to male fantasies about naked women, however, I spent some time flipping through recent issues of Playboy and other such publications, and I found to my enormous surprise that young women of the 21st century are, apparently, entirely bereft of pubic hair. Nary a one of those young women in several issues of Playboy had the hirsute pubic adornments I’d once thought standard equipment for adult females.

What, I wondered, could be causing this evolutionary change in the way hair was distributing itself on the female body? And then it came to me. There could be no other explanation than global warming. Manmade climate change was causing emergency permutations in the thermal protection provided by pubic hair. As the planet was warming, women were shedding hair as a result. The region of the body known to romantics as “the mound of Venus” was now uniformly bare, as ravaged as a clear cut logging site.

Shortly after that day in the barbershop, I saw an item in the paper revealing that some 80 percent of current college students were without pubic hair. What a stunning change in human biology. And in such a brief span of time. In the article, scientists worried that this change was reducing habitat for crab lice, yet another species threatened by changes to the natural world brought on by the warming of the planet. Crab lice, it now appears, can run but they can’t hide, since their hiding places have receded like the Amazon rain forest. Though most human beings will not lament the loss of crab lice habitat, it’s yet another sign of how increasingly imperiled life on this planet, in general, has become, and how much adaptation we all have to make to the effects of fossil fuels on our environment.

One younger guy I know tried to convince me that young women now are just shaving that area of their bodies, but I don’t believe it. The phenomenon is just too widespread, and no generation could be that lockstep in its conformity, especially at such a personal level. The disappearance of pubic hair from female bodies is almost certainly the result of manmade climate change, and it stands to reason that this is nature’s way of getting our attention. After all, if you were Mother Nature and you wanted to get the attention of men, where would you plant the warning?

 

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Comments

  1. Murray Suid says:

    I will be astonished if you get any responses to this essay. But always the optimist, I hope that your readers will comment. I’ll also look for scientific confirmation of your theory on The Daily Show.

  2. Claire says:

    What a vile and disgusting sexist story.

  3. Barbara Ellison says:

    To the Author;
    It’s clear that you are male chauvinist pig that thinks that the collateral worth of women are no more than a vagina, pubic hair or not. Global warming is a lie projected by those with a political agenda to control the masses with fear and has nothing to do with the amount of hair on a person’s body.

  4. Gary Smyth says:

    Well alright, now we’re talking! This is an article of probity and considered wisdom. I too, being a man of a certain age, have seen this phenomena up close and personal. I have penetrated the mystery of climate change have come out better for it. I hope others will follow me down this path and take a closer look at this moist dilemma and appreciate it for all it’s beauty.

  5. emiliano says:

    this was super funny. James O’Neil, you are a fine writer of satire. These comments are pretty funny, too. Are these commentators serious? Or is are they doing their own satire of late-feminist, a-humorous dogmatism? Nice piece, anyways. e.