Preparing for the Zombie-Apocalypse Apocalypse

Everyone has a plan for the zombie apocalypse. Most of these plans are stupid, considering they all start with “go-somewhere-with-a-lot-of-guns-and-loot-said-guns,” which of course would just result in a mob of people killing each other over weapons and leading all the zombies to a few locations. Everyone seems (ill-)prepared for the zombie apocalypse, but no one seems to notice there’s already an apocalypse going on: The Zombie-Apocalypse Apocalypse.

Somewhere around the time when the Dawn of the Dead remake and 28 Days Later came out, zombie cultured exploded, quickly proliferating and multiplying through the ranks of America until nearly the entire population had been transformed into slack-jawed zombie lovers, shuffling mindlessly into showings of World War Z and still somehow possessing the brain power to post on Facebook, “OMG! Can you believe what happened on Walking Dead?

Yes. Yes, I can.

Why? Because everything that’s happened on AMC’s The Walking Dead has been done by some other form of zombie entertainment before, and zombie culture only seems to want to become more stale and repetitive, which is a shame. I used to LOVE zombies. Night of the Living Dead was one of my favorite horror movies. I played all the Resident Evil games. Hell, I even read the shitty books based on the games. (They’re still sitting on my bookshelf between the Dragonlance Chronicles and LOTR.) Even recently, I made a pretty sweet zombie deck for Magic: The Gathering. Now, though, zombies are IN and they’ve made their way onto cable television, Brad Pitt’s filmography, and even the Call of Duty franchise.

Eventually, it’s all going to collapse. Like the zombies in 28 Days Later, zombie culture is going to grow too large and starve to death after being milked for all it’s worth. The sad truth is: zombies aren’t that cool. There really isn’t much new ground to be broken with zombies. Isn’t anyone else sick of watching scenes where a family member tearfully shoots another family-member-turned-zombie, bombs dropped on a city to “quarantine” it, and arguments between the born-leader protagonist and the dickhead-everyone-wishes-would-get-killed-already?

Even Resident Evil, the most popular zombie videogame franchise, got sick of zombies three games ago. Instead, they opted for villagers with mind-controlling parasites in their brains, which is definitely cooler than “Where’d they come from? They run too fast, no time to think!” Zombie culture nowadays is just a glorified game of tag. The survivors run, the zombies chase…and if they catch up, the survivors are out.

We can survive the Zombie-Apocalypse Apocalypse as long as you don’t give your money to the people milking every last zombie trope for all they’re worth and who disregard all the things about the novel World War Z that made it more than just Brad Pitt running from and shooting zombies. And remember: if one of your friends says they just got into The Walking Dead, it’s too late for them. Shoot ‘em in the head and burn the body.

Tags: , , , ,