An Older Gentleman Gives His Top Ten Reasons Facebook Kinda Sucks, And Says Everything You’ve Been Thinking

 

Ok, I know that as a guy well over 30, my opinion about anything related to personal computers and their usage is pretty much irrelevant. But I’ve been checking in on Facebook a couple of times a day for several months now, and I pretty much hate it. Perhaps I just don’t have the right “friends,” but most of the time I’ve spent reading (and sometimes responding to) the stuff on Facebook has been an utterly wasted. Compared to Facebook, my adolescent years spent lounging around pool halls were as well used as if I’d applied that time to cancer research. If you want to kill time, Facebook is the preferred murder weapon.

Here are ten reasons why I think Facebook sucks.

1. It was visited on humanity by Mark Zuckerberg, a guy who was looking for a way to rate which co-eds at Harvard were “hot,” and which were “not.” Even if that’s not quite how we got this technology, Zuckerberg still seems kind of like a bozo, and young bozos with billions of dollars just piss me off. He reminds me of damn near every dweeby frat boy I’ve ever seen on the streets of Chico on a Friday night. And he’s worth about $19 billion. That’s just wrong.

2. Cat videos. I love cats, and am completely gaga over cute kittens. But enough, already. The obsession with cats and kittens is beginning to make me think my own species is really addled, and a bit dim.

3. Philosophy for the ages. On my Facebook page, I have a whole bunch of people who want to make me wiser by sharing platitudes and tips on living. Every. Single. Day. Dozens and dozens of burbles of bullshit, cosmic awareness of a kind that makes New Agers from the 70s seem like Plato or Aristotle. Mostly, the profundities on Facebook are variations on a couple of themes—“money isn’t everything,” “be nice,” “make haste to live,” or “make today special.” Got it.

4. Selfies. C’mon. You’re adorable, but enough already.

5. Food pictures. If the narcissism of selfies wasn’t enough, now we have to know what our “friends” are eating, or have just eaten, and they want us to know this essential bit of information pretty much in real time.

6. Sunsets and beaches. Ok, we knew you had a camera after the first dozen or so selfies you posted. And you like beaches and sunsets. We get it.

7. Urgent appeals from Obama, Pelosi, or the Democratic Central Committee. Yes, I’m a Democrat, and yes, I want to lend support to just about anything that upsets the fuckin’ Republicans, but I get pleas for money or signatures or other assistance. Every. Single. Day. Those appeals all tend to over-hype whatever the current issue is, making every entreaty a “crisis.”

8. Kids on skateboards, hurting themselves. Not funny.

9. Tales of relationship woes. T.M.I. Every. Single. Day.

10. Whining about hangovers while simultaneously kinda bragging about hangovers. I stopped thinking this was cool back during the Johnson administration.

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Comments

  1. dunno…most people upset about facebook really likely to be less social. And always the trick in this information overload age, is to limit what you pay attention to. As far as bringing people together, a platform for sharing, I believe there has been a major positive impact.

  2. Murray Suid says:

    I don’t spend time on Facebook, but I have real friends–for example, my wife–who have connected with old–and distant–friends via Facebook. That’s been very positive. I see little reason to criticize Facebook or any other tech development that doesn’t automatically impact our lives. By this I mean, no one has to use Facebook, so it’s really a buyer-beware issue. Different, I think, from drones peeking into my bedroom window or–somewhat worse–dropping a bomb on me. That’s technology I might question.
    p.s. As for garbage–such as cute cats–and unwanted advice, Facebook can’t be nearly as bad as broadcast TV. I tried to watch a program, and the content was interrupted every five minutes with a commercial. Now every 15 minutes as in the old days; every 5 minutes. My solution: I’m reading more and watching TV less. Same strategy can apply to Facebook.

  3. Mary Ellen Dias says:

    I completely agree with Jaime. I have three Facebook accounts, one for my friends and family, one to follow a celebrity I am crazy about in order to keep up with upcoming concerts, and one to advertise my book. The first one I made the mistake of “friending” too many people and now have to sort through scads of postings I’m not interested in so never log onto it any more except perhaps once a month. The second I have other means to find out about upcoming concerts so never log onto it or try to sort through the many duplicate postings, most just Youtube songs I have heard thousands of times before. The third Facebook page is a total disappointment. I opened it to give information about the book I recently published, and for which I have spent money on Facebook advertising, but have received very few likes for the page, receive no posts on it at all, a minimal amount of likes for my posts (usually from people I know) and am about to abandon it as I have my other accounts. Yes, Jaime, it seems to me some weird waste of time for people who have nothing to say and who seem to miss being able to get together in person and really enjoy each other’s company. I have far better contact with my friends through email, going out to lunch, having people over for dinner, or even the old fashioned, girls, let’s get together and go shopping!

  4. Ethan D'angelo says:

    What a load of hypocritical bullshit. I just looked it up, and looks like the self centered old bastard’s life revolves around his face book page.
    https://www.facebook.com/jaime.oneill.37

  5. Chuck Terri says:

    The extreme hatred blindly unleashed at Republicans in this article is scary. The same people (Democrats) that preach “coexistence” and “tolerance” are blatantly pouring out burning hatred at a wide spectrum of people they have never met! That’s worse than “racism”.

    I did go to https://www.facebook.com/jaime.oneill.37, and it looks like it’s his main reason to live. That is just so sad. Then writes an article about it condemning it?