Ok, I know that as a guy well over 30, my opinion about anything related to personal computers and their usage is pretty much irrelevant. But I’ve been checking in on Facebook a couple of times a day for several months now, and I pretty much hate it. Perhaps I just don’t have the right “friends,” but most of the time I’ve spent reading (and sometimes responding to) the stuff on Facebook has been an utterly wasted. Compared to Facebook, my adolescent years spent lounging around pool halls were as well used as if I’d applied that time to cancer research. If you want to kill time, Facebook is the preferred murder weapon.
Here are ten reasons why I think Facebook sucks.
1. It was visited on humanity by Mark Zuckerberg, a guy who was looking for a way to rate which co-eds at Harvard were “hot,” and which were “not.” Even if that’s not quite how we got this technology, Zuckerberg still seems kind of like a bozo, and young bozos with billions of dollars just piss me off. He reminds me of damn near every dweeby frat boy I’ve ever seen on the streets of Chico on a Friday night. And he’s worth about $19 billion. That’s just wrong.
2. Cat videos. I love cats, and am completely gaga over cute kittens. But enough, already. The obsession with cats and kittens is beginning to make me think my own species is really addled, and a bit dim.
3. Philosophy for the ages. On my Facebook page, I have a whole bunch of people who want to make me wiser by sharing platitudes and tips on living. Every. Single. Day. Dozens and dozens of burbles of bullshit, cosmic awareness of a kind that makes New Agers from the 70s seem like Plato or Aristotle. Mostly, the profundities on Facebook are variations on a couple of themes—“money isn’t everything,” “be nice,” “make haste to live,” or “make today special.” Got it.
4. Selfies. C’mon. You’re adorable, but enough already.
5. Food pictures. If the narcissism of selfies wasn’t enough, now we have to know what our “friends” are eating, or have just eaten, and they want us to know this essential bit of information pretty much in real time.
6. Sunsets and beaches. Ok, we knew you had a camera after the first dozen or so selfies you posted. And you like beaches and sunsets. We get it.
7. Urgent appeals from Obama, Pelosi, or the Democratic Central Committee. Yes, I’m a Democrat, and yes, I want to lend support to just about anything that upsets the fuckin’ Republicans, but I get pleas for money or signatures or other assistance. Every. Single. Day. Those appeals all tend to over-hype whatever the current issue is, making every entreaty a “crisis.”
8. Kids on skateboards, hurting themselves. Not funny.
9. Tales of relationship woes. T.M.I. Every. Single. Day.
10. Whining about hangovers while simultaneously kinda bragging about hangovers. I stopped thinking this was cool back during the Johnson administration.