Recently, Senator Barbara Boxer has been criticized by fellow Democrats for not giving away enough money—some of them ruthlessly alluding to her Judaism. The California senator responded—echoing her ’82 campaign—with an emphatic “Barbara Boxer Gives a Damn” and promised swift action to appease her litigants. The ex-New Yorker put her dough where she blows and initiated legislation that is now being called both radical and landmark. Effective immediately (roughly three years, five months, and two days in political time), California educators of all levels will be paid for the hours they work, rather than the traditional “one-quarter of total hours worked” that they’ve been accustomed to. Piggybacking on undeveloped counterpart, “No Teacher Left Behind,” is stirring debate throughout the state and beyond.

A spirited debate over Boxer’s bill ensued just yesterday. Cletus Yokel, founder of the National Association for Ruining Democratic Stuff (NARDS), literally booed the Senator as she stepped from the podium. He had this to comment afterward:  “Outrageous! This hippie Senator is distracting us from the real key issue—our military’s dangerously low number of tanks.”

Liberal psychology instructor Buddy Green chimed in as well: “They pay the farmers not to grow; they should pay some of us not to teach. I mean, wouldn’t you rather have uneaten apples than unemployed people? Makes sense to me.”

The most stern voice of the afternoon, however, came from presidential advisor Rusty Blackhart (R), whose proposed amendment to the bill (AKA “The Big Five Amendment”) would restrict the type and amount of teachers who are allowed to move up to the middle class under “No Teacher Left Behind.”  Blackhart is head of DEAF, Department of Executing and Administering Fates, which decides the salary levels of all occupations in the US. “America rewards certain values,” said Blackhart, “and if you’re not in the field of Sports and Entertainment, then you’ve got to answer ‘yes’ to at least one of the Big Five if you wanna be a team player and make a decent salary.”

Will you be assisting in the design or production of any instruments or vehicles which would allow the US to more efficiently kill people from other countries?

Will you be taking advantage of the sick, disabled, or elderly?

Will you be causing or exploiting the insecurities of otherwise normal people?

Will you be manufacturing or distributing products related to those insecurities?

Are you a relative of any current or former US politician?

Inside sources indicate that President Obama is against his advisor’s amendment and enthusiastically supports Senator Boxer. An unconfirmed quote from the president, however, could be a blow to the Democrats’ urgency: “I’ll take care of it,” said Obama, “just as soon as I beat Tiger on a full 18.”


  1. Matt Olson says:

    I demand to know the true identity of this commie! He must be brought before the Commission for the Preservation of Inequality for State Sponsored Educators (PISSED)! Actually, I just want to buy him/her a drink. 🙂 Nice work.