Chico, we need to talk. Have you lost your damn mind? Bad choices seem to be the trend lately, not the least of which are the rash of stabbings in the last month or so. Since mid-January there have been a total of fifteen. Are you kidding me, Chico? What’s wrong with you? Did someone hurt your feel bads? Do you want to talk about it?

As if school shootings and serial rapists aren’t enough to worry about, now we’re STABBING each other?  I can barely get through a normal day of school without wanting to drop out and hide forever in Naptopia (my bed), living as Ativancelot: Purveyor of Whiskey Farts and Lotto Scratchers. Also, has anyone else become painfully aware of how many people on campus have pocket knives on them at all times? (This demographic is rich in heavyset males, usually sporting neck fat and bad tattoos). It creeps me right the fuck out. If you’re carrying one in an attempt to send the “fuck off” vibe, rest easy because chances are, your “Tap Out” T-shirt, perma-glare, and strong/outspoken opinions about gun control are handling it for you. ANYWAY, in keeping with our “Baffling News” theme this week, I’ve rounded up some reeeal weird shit for you. Let’s dive right into the mix, shall we?

The good folks at Foodbeast.com have announced that the spokesman for Las Vegas’ Famous Heart Attack Grill (surprise!) died of a heart attack on Monday. You might recall HAG for its questionable tactic of serving the world’s “highest calorie hamburger” (10,000 calories), or for their slogan claiming their slop was “taste worth dying for.” Unsurprisingly, this is the second spokesperson for the restaurant to die in the last three years. I mean…I guess you could make a case for HAG helping aid natural selection, but really this is all just looking eerily similar to the future predicted in Idiocracy.

By now you’ve probably all heard about the high school in Indiana where a group of parents and students are trying to organize a heterosexual-only prom. One of the organizers, Diana Medley, has become the topic of much Internet debate after declaring on local Indiana news that she doesn’t believe homosexuals have any purpose in life and that a straight prom would show them the error of their life choice. Being that it’s 2013, and officially the FUTURE (according to Back To The Future), it’s bizarre to me to hear such a polarized opinion, rooted so firmly in ignorance and naiveté. I could go on forever about why hearing this douche-nozzle spout her weak-ass diatribe gives me a case of the angries, but I’ll just say that if you’d like to get a message directly to the principal of the school in question, please join me in doing so at dspringer@swest.k12.in.us.

Lastly, Happy 18th Birthday to ex-Synthesis “High School Hell-O” columnist, Olivia. Welcome to adulthood. It’s all downhill
from here.

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Zooey Mae has been working as a writer monkey for Synthesis Weekly since 2007. Her favorite things include (but are not limited to), Jeffrey Brown, bubble wrap, Craig Thompson, pillow forts, receiving handwritten letters, and whiskey. She spends her free time stockpiling supplies for the impending robot Apocalypse and avoiding eye contact with strangers.