Mr. Dead Potato Head

Greetings, nerds. Apologies for my absence last week, I wanted to focus fully on Christine Fulton’s feature, and also I figured that you’d rather read about a talented local artist babe than read yet another column where I use my 500 word count to say “I’m depressed” in as many unimaginative ways as I can. I’m not sure why I’d waste time being depressed anyway, especially since there are so many fantastic things happening around all the time. Case in point, Christine Fulton’s show last Thursday at the Winchester Goose! The opening was last week, but her fantastic “Meow Meow” series will be there for a while longer, and I definitely recommend checking it out.

Another good reason to be in a chipper state of mind is the following news story I read online (a sure sign that it actually happened). A 62-year old man named Ray Tomlinson was on a road trip with his 93-year old mother (Party Town USA), and his (cue double take), 31-year old girlfriend when Tomlinson and his mother realized that the girlfriend who they thought was merely asleep, was in fact, dead. I just want to stop right there for a second and let the fact sink in that the person in the car who was the youngest in the car by 31 years, is the one who died. Once the Tomlinsons discovered that the girlfriend was deceased, they did the sensible thing and kept driving. (Pause here to allow for screaming). Ray Tomlinson did a search on his phone for Michigan morgues, and discovered that he only had 48 hours to get her body to a morgue or medical examiner. Tomlinson soldiered on, as did Mother Tomlinson. I can only hope that they purchased a pair sunglasses at a Flyers gas station, popped those bad boys on the girlfriend’s face and Weekend At Bernie’d that shit all the way back home. According to Tomlinson, his reasoning behind not wanting to stop is loving her so much that he didn’t want to leave her at some random morgue.

My main reaction to this story is that I can’t believe with all the horseshit remakes out there right now, that no one has bothered to recreate the 89’ classic Weekend At Bernie’s. Guys, someone please tell me how Straw Dogs and Charlie & The Chocolate Factory have both been made into despicable horseshit remakes, and yet Weekend At Bernie’s has not. Maybe it’s better this way. The pure hilarity and nonsense of the original will never be diluted by some remake starring Channing Potato-Face Tatum and Ashton Kutcher. I guess I’ll just add this to my “Things To Be Not Depressed About” list.

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Zooey Mae has been working as a writer monkey for Synthesis Weekly since 2007. Her favorite things include (but are not limited to), Jeffrey Brown, bubble wrap, Craig Thompson, pillow forts, receiving handwritten letters, and whiskey. She spends her free time stockpiling supplies for the impending robot Apocalypse and avoiding eye contact with strangers.