Mind Your Farts

I got a lot of feedback about my column topic last week. Turns out, you people really love stories about farts. Who knew? Anywho, count yourselves lucky, because this week our first story comes to us from Germany and it’s about farting cows. If you’ve ever wondered how many farting cows it takes to make a shed explode, the answer is 90. In Rasdorf, Germany, a static discharge ignited the methane gas that had been pumping out of those cow b-holes for who-knows-how-long. According to the Independent, “High levels of the methane gas had built up within the structure in the central German town of Rasdorf on Monday thanks to animals belches and flatulence, before ‘a static electric charge caused the gas to explode with flashes of flames.’ The subsequent blast damaged the roof of the cow shed, Reuters reported. Emergency services who attended the scene took gas readings to check for any potential further blasts.” Jesus, what are they feeding those cows? Farts? I think they’re probably feeding them farts. That’s the only explanation, right?

In a perfect example of technology being used badly, Japanese lingerie creator Ravijour has invented a bra that will open its clasp only when the wearer is experiencing “true love.” A chastity belt for your tits, if you will. From their website, Ravijour explains, “When excited, the adrenal medulla secretes catechlomine, which affects the autonomic nerve, and stimulates the heart rate. A built-in sensor reads the women’s heart-rate signal and sends it to a special app via Bluetooth for analysis. The app then calculates the True Love Rate based on changes in the heart rate over time. When the True Love Rate exceeds a certain value, the bra hook is opened automatically.” I don’t know, man. What if you were in the grocery store and you saw that mangoes were finally in season? And you really, really love mangoes? Seems like an all around bad idea. Furthermore, what tech-savvy lady out there is having such a huge time keeping her lady parts under wraps that she actually needs a technological tool to keep them to herself? Definitely makes me wonder what the heck is happening in Japan. Although, I’ve been wondering that ever since I saw that they’d invented a weird lipstick stencil (see right).

Lastly, I meant to do this last week, but I needed my full word count to accurately describe the sorority farts I experienced. Network administrator, office hijinks photographer, and all-around nice guy Dain Sandoval has taken a job at Chico State and is leaving the Synthesis team after working here for more than a decade. I first met Dain about eight years ago when I first started at Synthesis. Intelligent, funny, and a genuinely sweet dude, we’ll miss the heck out of him.

Zooey Mae has been working as a writer monkey for Synthesis Weekly since 2007. Her favorite things include (but are not limited to), Jeffrey Brown, bubble wrap, Craig Thompson, pillow forts, receiving handwritten letters, and whiskey. She spends her free time stockpiling supplies for the impending robot Apocalypse and avoiding eye contact with strangers.