Mickey Mouse Owns the Sarlacc Pit

Man, we had such a busy week! In a should’ve-been-obvious-to-everyone-this-was-coming type of move (not unlike the Octomom’s recent foray into porn), Disney has purchased Lucasfilm. Star Wars fans the world over uttered a collective expletive-laced yell upon hearing the news that Disney is planning on releasing another Star Wars movie in 2015. The following is an excerpt from the original press release issued by Disney and reprinted by toplessrobot.com:

“Continuing its strategy of delivering exceptional creative content to audiences around the world, The Walt Disney Company has agreed to acquire Lucasfilm Ltd. in a stock and cash transaction… Star Wars Episode 7 is targeted for release in 2015, with more feature films expected to continue the Star Wars saga and grow the franchise well into the future.”

That’s right. Another Star Wars film. Episode 7 to be exact. I don’t think anyone has any hope that this will be anything but terrible. And yes, I know Disney purchased Marvel awhile back and produced X-Men First Class, which has been arguably the best coverage of the franchise to date. However, to me, Star Wars is something untouchable. It’s on a master list with Back To The Future, Who Framed Roger Rabbit and The Princess Bride of titles that you simply don’t touch. They were a pure, crystallized, tiny slice of entertainment. An unsullied and accurate look into what our entertainment culture had to offer at the time. To try to replicate something like that is simply in bad taste, like wearing a slutty Hermione for Halloween (seriously shame on you).

The other big news last week was of course Hurricane Sandy, the scary-powerful storm that hit the east coast, destroying countless homes and racking up an as yet fully tallied death toll. Over here on the west coast really all we can do is look at pictures of the devastation online, watch the coverage on TV and try to keep in touch with our friends and family over there as much as possible. For those that are over in the danger zone, it seems the creeps on Craigslist don’t see the hurricane as anything but an opportunity. Gawker.com is reporting that a quick look at the “casual encounters” section of the New York turns up titles like “Hurricane handjob?”, “Tall, Fun and Friendly seeks hurricane relief ;)”, and (the obvious winner),“who wants a hurricane BJ?”

If Craigslist won at the hurricane, then the New York Post definitely lost. Uproxx.com reported a particularly distasteful Twitpic issued by the Post showing a street lined with cars more than halfway submerged in water, with the caption “This washed away #OWS protesters”. Oof. Hopefully someone is getting fired over that boner move. That’s all for this week, stay safe, nerds.

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Zooey Mae has been working as a writer monkey for Synthesis Weekly since 2007. Her favorite things include (but are not limited to), Jeffrey Brown, bubble wrap, Craig Thompson, pillow forts, receiving handwritten letters, and whiskey. She spends her free time stockpiling supplies for the impending robot Apocalypse and avoiding eye contact with strangers.