Lizard People, Dear Reader

Look, nobody’s saying everyone should be steeped in self-doubt all the time. In theory, it’s understandable how a person could conceivably be well-adjusted and mostly happy. However, when encountering people out in the world who seem to be unflappable in their self assuredness, who never change their mind and treat every mild debate into a chance to “win” and can’t accept the idea of being wrong about something, it certainly gives a person pause. Maybe, you think to yourself, you simply have the bad luck of always being around when those people happen to be “taking a stand” about some (surely inconsequential) thing. Maybe. But some people are just insufferable buttholes who are in desperate need of what I believe the medical field refers to as a “Chill Pill.”

At the very least, encountering these people is a weird, off-putting experience. You could find yourself having a perfectly innocuous time outside the house, socializing with friends, when suddenly—BAM—you find (seemingly out of nowhere) the entire table giving one another sidelong glances while a side part in a pair of fucking chinos is arguing with everyone (and also no one) about the “true” meaning of feminism.

We’ve all encountered them at some time or another, and we’ve also all been “that guy” at some point in our lives. (For most of us, between the ages of 19 and 24). If there’s one thing that I think we can agree on, it’s that these sorts of insufferable buttholes are awful to be around. Their empty self-assuredness also leads me to believe that they’re not actually humans, but rather lizard people in skin suits.

Anyway, let’s leave it on a high note, shall we? Since this is the last issue of Synthesis for 2014, I’d like to cover some (obligatory) “best of” lists.

Albums (in no particular order):

Foxygen – … And Star Power

Alt-J – This Is All Yours

The Antlers – Familiars

Snowblind Traveler – Confederate Burial

Sharon Van Etten – Are We There

After albums, I intended on compiling a list of my top films and graphic novels, but as a result of school, work, and my general blanket of anxiety I drag around like Linus, I consumed very little in the way of movies and graphic novels. Because of that, I’ll just list my top two moments from this year: (Yes, I know two is a weird number of selections for a Best Of list. Deal with it.)

1. Being asked to take the reins as Entertainment Editor here at Synthesis. I’m so proud of the direction that Synthesis is going, and I feel lucky and honored to be a part of the editing staff along with Amy and Emiliano.

2. Last week I ate a mandarin and the peel came off all in one piece. That was incredible. Everything’s comin’ up Milhouse, you guys.

Zooey Mae has been working as a writer monkey for Synthesis Weekly since 2007. Her favorite things include (but are not limited to), Jeffrey Brown, bubble wrap, Craig Thompson, pillow forts, receiving handwritten letters, and whiskey. She spends her free time stockpiling supplies for the impending robot Apocalypse and avoiding eye contact with strangers.