You Know How Women Are

 

Welcome to Unsolicited Advice—an open column for anyone who wants to tell someone (or everyone) what’s what. Send your 500 word submissions to editorial@synthesis.net

I don’t even know where to start on this situation, but I am bursting at the seams with unsolicited advice. Recently I was in the lobby of The Blue Room, waiting for the seating to begin for Venus In Fur, when I overheard this guy start trying to chat up the concession girl. She was a foxy young thing in her 20s, and he was a white haired guy (probably in his 60s) with no sense of propriety.

“So, are you married?” [Sort of a blunt opening, but whatever.]

“Oh…noooo…I’m dating someone though.” [Good attempt at shutting it down.]

“How’s that going?” [Trying to poke for an opening in her defense: no, respect the boundary.]

“Oh…well…pretty good I guess…I have some issues from past relationships though, and I pretty much expect him to disappoint me. Like the other day there was a thing he said he would come to but he never showed up. We had a big talk and worked it out though.” [No no no! I get that you’re probably thrown off kilter by this personal question from a stranger, and maybe it’s cathartic to tell a non-interested party about your troubles, but you’re leaving him an opening! Danger! Danger!]

“I was married, but just recently got divorced. It isn’t easy being single.” [The pity card: it will, at best, get you friendzoned.]

“Why did you split up?” [Not the worst deflection; at least now you’re looking for him to be insightful.]

“Well you know how women are: at a certain age she just got OLD, and I still feel young and want to have a good time.”

STOP. Seriously? Did you seriously think that was a good line? “You know how women are…” is about the worst possible thing you could ever say to any woman under any circumstances, but especially if you’re looking to get in there with her. This is not one of your buddies from the Swinging Singles condo complex, or the Midlife Crisis Support Group; this is not a person who is going to high-five you and be like, “Yeah! Women are the worst!”

Then to follow that with, “…at a certain age she just got OLD…” Dude, first of all: YOU ARE OLD. I’ll say that loudly because I don’t think your hearing is what it used to be. Certainly your vision is failing because if you looked in a mirror you would see it. Feeling young does not entitle you to be perceived as young by a 22 year old.

And second of all, this picture you’re painting makes it sound like you either left your poor, long-suffering wife to look for less-grey pastures to rut in—leaving her heartbroken with no love or support in her geriatric years—or you were out buying Ferraris and trying to sow your oats and she wasn’t having it.

Either way, you sound like an asshole, and this is going nowhere.