Hi, I’m Kaz!
You might remember me from a few weeks ago, but I don’t remember you because we never met. This is just a column where I write and you read it, not an actual conversation.
I didn’t go to college, because I’m a cat, but I still have advice to give you.
Number one: Be a cat. It’s pretty easy, just have fur and paws and sleep a lot. Sometimes you wake up and eat, but usually you don’t.
Number two: Things can be confusing, so it’s a good idea to be a cat. When you’re a cat you can just stare into space with really big eyes until stuff gets blurry, and then you just close them and go to sleep.
Number three: Don’t accept paradigms of good and evil. Life is a blur of multi-faceted morality; what is good in one circumstance can be bad in another, or maybe there’s just no harm or good in it at all. Consider the usefulness of any given decision to your personal greater goals, and judge the “rightness” of that decision for yourself. Don’t forget that your community is your support system, and what affects them will shape your environment. I like to eat flies, and that is right for me.
Number four: I have four toes on each paw. I don’t count the dew claw.
Number five: Be careful with catnip. Sometimes I really, really like catnip, and I get so crazy I rub my face all over everything and freak out, but then I fall down off my cat tree and look really stupid. People laugh and it hurts my feelings.
Number six: Eat your feelings. If you get sad just eat and eat and eat. When people call you fat and say you shouldn’t eat so much, they are just jealous, because you will be walking around wearing a comfy pillow of fat to sleep on.
Number seven: Get some sleep. If you don’t sleep enough you will be tired, and then you might fall asleep by accident.
Number eight: Be nice. People like it when you’re nice. Don’t ride your bike on the sidewalk. It’s a sidewalk, not a sidebike! I can’t ride a bike, so I just drive.