Kazercise!

Hi, I’m Kaz! I want to talk about exercise. First of all, I don’t like it. Sometimes if I’m running, I forget why I’m running, and then I get really scared because something might be chasing me! I can jump pretty high, but if I think of it as exercise, it loses all appeal; so I try not to think about it. Which is easy, because most of the time all there is in my brain is white noise.

I think the most important thing is sleep. I recommend eighteen to twenty hours a day, with at least ten rotations of sleeping positions. A good one you might not know about is sleeping with everything tucked under your body so you look like a loaf of bread. It’s a low-carb alternative to eating a loaf of bread.

Some people talk a lot about what they eat. Usually it’s people who only eat plants, and they think other people should only eat plants. They can be very pushy, and try to make you feel bad so you’ll do things the way they do them. I eat grass sometimes but then I throw up on piles of important documents. Not everything is for everybody.

I really like to eat dry cat food. It cleans my teeth and makes my breath fresh and meaty. I don’t think you should eat cat food though, that would mean there’s less for me.

But I digress. Maybe you do want to exercise. If you do, I have some tips!

1) Try yoga. It’s pretty much just stretching and breathing a lot. Plus, I hear the pants are really comfortable and you can wear them to fancy restaurants!

2) Do what you love, only faster. Unless what you love is lying perfectly still; if you try to do that faster, you might rip a hole in space/time.

3) Find something to chase! If you’re the one doing the chasing, it isn’t as scary. Mice and squirrels are good, but don’t go chasing waterfalls; please stick to the rivers and lakes that you’re used to.

4) Order every workout DVD they advertise on late night TV—then do them for about 3 weeks. It’s cheaper than a gym membership, and you get that same feeling of being proactive with the same result of getting bored with it and giving up!

5) Love your body for more than how it looks. Love how it feels to be alive: how your lungs breathe, how your legs carry you, how your hands can touch and grab things. Not everyone has opposable thumbs! If you really love your body, it’s easier to do nice things for it.

Thanks for listening! I’m going back to sleep.

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Hi I'm Kaz!