The pestilence, the volcanoes, the end of days! And what’s worse than this suffocating heatwave? How about when somebody asks you to stop complaining about it. So you’re whining about this miserable, cloying heatstink, and somebody says, “I get it! It’s hot, quit complaining. You think this is hot? I lived in Africa/Las Vegas/Death Valley/The Mantle of the Earth!” Or maybe you’ve said something like this to somebody else in a fit of heatrage because you can’t take it when you hear your own inner monologue being vocalized through somebody else’s nasally, hot-breathed whine. Anyway, everybody just needs to shut up. I can’t concentrate through all this hot.

And I, for one, am no longer giving any fucks about anything. I’m wearing as little clothing as possible. I’m tired of feeling like I need to wring out my sweat-soaked underpants after I’ve been in the car for 10 seconds. Sitting on restaurant seats, leaving two drippy, sweaty imprints of my hiney. There must be layer after layer of dried up sweaty butt-prints…Things I won’t be doing until the fall: hugging people, wearing anything on my arms, blow drying my hair, giving any fucks.

Might as well rock.

So, about this Doomsday Issue of the Synthesis. Jeremy Votava kicks it off with a radtastic feature about Chico’s favorite brutal rockband, Armed For Apocalypse. If you love feeling like your ears are being violated by fire-breathing undead gila monsters wearing little jackets made of nails, then get your badass ears down to their CD release parties! Also, Amy gives us some lovely ideas for the ultimate bunker, and I bring you wise words from a Butte County Doomsday Prepper. Seriously, he was wise. And though I may sound like a Libertarian by saying this, I think he convinced me to do a little prepping of my own. Although, it would probably cost less and take up much less time if I just learned how to  maraud the people who have already prepped.

When the SHTF, and there are meteors raining fire, the economy and the Earth collapse altogether, and/or a duck farmer on the other side of the world contracts Bird Flu and Swine Flu at the same time, I will still be standing in the ashes as a bitchin’, marauding War Lord. Everybody forgets about the war lord option when they’re doomsday prepping. I mean if you’re going to kill somebody to protect your food, it’s the same as killing somebody to take their food. Killing is killing. And if murders are taking place no matter what, then I might as well just let everybody else stockpile the biscuits.

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Sara makes the words happen.

Comments

  1. Anon says:

    I know this is tongue and cheek but there is a definite difference between defending what is your and taking what belongs to someone else. Killing in self defense is not the same as killing in the process of theft. And what’s so bad about sounding “libertarian”. Unless you’re using libertarian to refer to something besides people who value privacy, individual liberty and the constitutional values upon which this country was founded. Not all libertarians are “preppers” and not all preppers are libertarians. Or maybe they are, that would explain why none of them think about the “Warlord Option”. Actual Libertarian ideals don’t gel well with oppression and tyranny, which is what warlording is.