I Lift the Weights so Gently, They Never Know How Strong I’m Getting

Blue curtains. White robes. Face masks. I ticked off the objects coming into focus in the bright white of the small room. I was either coming to in the middle of a very subdued cult meeting, or I had just woken up in the middle of my hernia surgery. “Nurse, hand me the vice-grips and the chainsaw, and really bear down on this dude’s veins. He has like, a shitload of them.”, spoke one of the masked figures who was hunched over my nether-regions. “You got it, dude,” the nurse replied.
So. Surgery it was.
“Hi guys,” I said weakly. “I’m really glad you’re not a cult.” They glanced over at me. The thought did briefly cross my mind that they could be a surgical team as well as a cult, but I wasn’t really in a position to investigate, so I only gently pressed the question. “Anyway, I was wondering if you could snap a quick photo of what you’re doing down there and text it to me. Also, I wanted to get your thoughts re: human sacrifice, but maybe we can talk about that later, ha ha. I’m kidding. You guys are doing great work. Keep it up.” They never really answered the human sacrifice question, but they did snap a photo for me, which I will cherish always. Or maybe I’ll burn it, because its the grossest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.
I’ve spent the few subsequent days since the surgery whining like a baby and eating pain meds like candy on Halloween, while aggressively avoiding writing this column (read: sleeping), because it’s my Goodbye Column, and I don’t want to say goodbye to you guys. I like you guys. I like-like you guys. Remember when we went to Twin Peaks together?
Synthesis has been a major component of the music and art scene in Chico since I was a kid, and having the opportunity to write this column over the past months has been an absolute pleasure. The editorial staff have been consistently fantastic to work with, even as my column titles grew to ever greater lengths—necessitating special print layouts—and the content of my writing has strayed far afield from its original stated purpose (I was supposed to write about being on tour, I think). Thank you, Amy, Arielle, and Emiliano, for your encouragement and patience. Thank you, Synthesis, for twenty-one great years. I’m sad to see you go, but let us remember the immortal words of Special Agent Dale Cooper:
“Harry, I have no idea where this will lead us, but I have a definite feeling it will be a place both wonderful and strange.”
Thanks for reading, you guys.