Hot Tub Sex

Dear Balls,

Hot tub sex.

The water causes gross friction, but it’s a fun and sexy place to want to do it. How the hell do you make it better?

You don’t.

Hot tub sex is lame. It sucks.

It simply fails at almost every crucial point that makes sex enjoyable. Sex on the beach makes for beautiful, romantic, lustful imagery… until you get sand all up in your parts. Hot tub sex is very much the same; a sexy theory, but a less-than-stellar outcome.

Sure, the IDEA of hot tub sex is super hot—but let’s break it down and expose hot tub sex for what it is: a bad idea and exercise in mediocrity.

The moon is high (and so am I).

For starters, you’re probably under the influence of something, which means everything that goes into how you think and perform sexually is mildly retarded.

It is a pretty safe assumption that not much forethought is going into your plans.

Just slip it in?

Forget it. Water washes away all that nice slick natural lubricant. Sure she’s wet, but not in the way that will help things. She will really appreciate the sensation of being rubbed raw with chlorinated water.

You like pregnancy and/or diseases?

No, the hot water does not instantly kill sperm. No, the chemicals in the water do not instantly kill sperm. Oh by the way, you probably now have herpes or some other fun disease because you said “forget the condom”—like you even HAD one at the ready just sittin’ on the edge of the tub. Fail.

Chowder Bowl Hot Tub

Who came before you?

Hey Johnny, you think you’re the first to think about doin’ it in that there tub?

I know some people that won’t so much as pee in a toilet that has been used, and here you are wantin’ to frolic in some community chowder bowl. Ew.

Quit being a downer.

OK, it isn’t all hate; there’s some good as well. Hot tub time makes for great foreplay. Get handsy, rubby and kissy all you like. What do more females wish for from their partners than anything else? More foreplay. It will get her hotter, which will make for a more explosive session once you hop out and run into the house to take care of business right there on the couch.

Go ahead and try it—I’m never one to discourage a good time. But when you bend your dick in half and her labia (or whomever’s butthole) gets turned inside out from the friction and you can’t have sex for three days because everything hurts and you find out the cat peed on your clothes and they’re canceling your favorite TV show and your phone is about to get shut off and has anyone seen my keys?

Sorry. Got sidetracked.

Enjoy the hot tub—have sex elsewhere—then hop back in to relax.

Balls – out.

A jaunty gent, Balls McPhearson offers timeless advice to life's puzzlers. He enjoys outdoor sport and appreciates fine cigars as well as high quality mustache wax.