Horoscopes

Aries

Unfortunately, the apocalypse in any form is the end of the line for you. Unless you’re a left-handed Aries, in which case your ability to command a crowd, combined with your inherent good looks makes you an excellent candidate for Supreme Commander of the World. Though nobody will like you very much.

 

Taurus

Much like the noble cockroach, Tauruses will stubbornly survive almost any end-of-the-world event. In fact, you’ll survive with hearty panache and a supersweet stash. The stoic Taurus might make the perfect Sheriff or thrive in a position of local leadership in the community bunker. Strong and likeable, yet stubborn and hardworking, they’re the perfect people to align yourself with if you’re going to join a gang.

 

Gemini

You’ll be the first person to shoot somebody in the face over food. No, I take that back; you’ll be the one behind somebody else, egging them on to shoot somebody in the face over food. Then you’ll swoop in and take all the food. But nobody will hold it against you, simply because you always have booze and know how to bring some levity to the post-apocalyptic pit of despair.

 

Cancer

If you see an amazingly beautiful, non-mutated human riding on a Pegasus dropping manna from heaven, follow that bitch because she’s awesome. Cancers have magical nurturing powers and are intensely hilarious. The world may be crumbling to pieces around you and radiation is making you see people riding flying horses, but you’ll be laughing if you’re sitting next to a Cancer. But beware! Don’t hurt her feelings because once a Cancer has decided to stop shining her light on your life, you will wither, die, and blow away in a pile of scorned ashes. Cancer men however, will not survive long, since nobody really likes having a whingeing Cancer dude around.

 

Leo

If the first radioactive mutant child were born a Leo, it would be a half-kitten, half-human cute-strosity. Leave it to Leo to always be adorable! But be careful if you’re thinking about a relationship with Leo, they’re likely to use this opportunity to test the gamma-radiated sexual waters. If you can’t grow extra appendages on the spot, Leo may end up bored and looking for someplace else to stick their tentacles.you’re dealing with that involves the deeds of the last year. Pay attention to dreams and the messages contained in them. Enjoy sleep and the pleasures of the bed.

 

Virgo

In a rebuilt post-doomsday marketplace, Virgo would have a cool little shop full of specially curated items scavenged from the rubble. You’ll be able to find everything you need, but don’t bother haggling or tangling with Virgo over anything. He/she will just make you nuts. And sanity is something you’ll want to hold onto as tightly as possible.

 

Libra

You’re wandering along your way, stumbling through the ashen wasteland, and just before you’re about to drop dead, you see a shadowy figure standing over you. You wake up breathing clean air, with fresh water on your lips. You look around the room to find Libra sitting in a chair staring at his computer because he’s found a way to make electricity, grow plants hydroponically, and generally have the most dope setup possible in a world that’s gone bad. You’ve hit the jackpot; Libras are resourceful, clever, and compassionate rascals.

 

Scorpio

If you were wondering who would set up the first end-of-the-world brothel, that would be Scorpio. They are sexy, charismatic beasts with an appreciation for the finer things in life/death/undeath, and they will gladly capitalize on their natural abilities as mutant-whisperers and procurers of exotic treats. But if you ever cross a Scorpio, you’re going to wish a meteor had landed directly on top of you, killing you instantly.

 

Sagittarius

I have a feeling that Sags will be the most prolific post-apocalyptic breed running around the scorched and barren Earth. They’ll be working hard to get the place all tidied up. I imagine a giant anthill full of enormous mutant Sagittarian ants pouring from the top—industrious, perfectionist, social ants. Ironically and conversely, if anybody were going to be holding a magnifying glass between a mutant Sagittarian ant and the roiling super-giant sun, it would be another Sagittarius laughing maniacally.

 

Capricorn

Do you need your bunker organized? Do you mind listening to highly detailed stories about things you don’t really care about? Do you also love the idea of fire-dancing LED-hula-hooping party aliens? Then you better find yourself a Capricorn for your underground bunker-city, because if anybody can organize your MRE’s during the day and party your face off during the night (assuming you can tell the difference), it’s a Capricorn.

 

Aquarius

If you see a guy walking alone on a road wearing a samurai sword and carrying a backpack, do not even trifle with that guy. Because he is an Aquarius and he doesn’t care about your fucking problems; he’s on a mission that’s bigger than you or your hunger problems. He’ll reject you in a such a kind way however, that it will make you think that he wants a sidekick and so you’ll tag along only to die along the way in some terrible accident or run-in with a zombie horde.

 

Pisces

Because Pisces is an intrinsically quiet sign, I cannot imagine that they would survive even the most benign apocalyptic event. If however, they managed to quietly exist, I assume they would be excellent at building roundabouts in rebuilt city squares, much to the consternation of the rest of the population. The Pisces will then walk around in circles, quietly giggling and building daisy chains with ears they’ve collected from the dead.

Tags: , ,

Sara makes the words happen.