LM: I’m sitting here with Nickels O’Brian, who is the suspect in at least seven murder cases in Butte County. He has eluded police since his first known homicide on March 17th. Nickels, welcome to the show.

NO: Thanks for having me.

LM: Who would you say was your biggest influence in becoming a sociopath?

NO: I have always admired Pennywise from Stephen King’s, It. That guy has creeped out so many people. But quite honestly, I think I have just been given a gift. I’m not the typical “his father didn’t love him” type. My father loved me very much, right up until he died doing the scarf trick. It wasn’t particularly traumatizing; I mean, he died doing what he loved.

LM: I see. So what made you decide to start this murderous rampage?

NO: I don’t know…What made you decide to wear that god-awful pirate blouse to this interview? I guess I have always been offended by the typical American celebration of St. Patrick’s Day. They know nothing about Irish culture. When the English invaded Ireland in the 17th century, they declared traditional Gaelic names illegal. Can you imagine my name just being Nickels Brian?

LM: I suppose not. You do seem rather educated?

NO: Absolutely, Liller. I actually graduated from Chico with a Masters degree in BS.

LM: Did you find yourself battling alcohol abuse like many alumni?

NO: I can drink like a champ. First of all, I’ve been drinking Jameson since I was two, and I live in Chico. I also practice martial arts, so my liver and I are pretty much triathletes.

LM: Okay… If there was one thing you wanted the public to know about you, what would it be?

NO: I really think people need to stop being so judgemental and realize I’m just a normal guy. I’m actually pretty sensitive. I cried when Old Yeller died. I also bawled my eyes out after reading Where The Red Fern Grows, and had to leave the theater during Marley And Me. Why are dog movies so sad? Anyways, I’m like any other west-coaster who wears socks with sandals because I get athlete’s foot and it’s the most comfortable solution. I watch football on Sundays, eat chicken wings and celery, and drink domestic beer.

LM: Do you have a favorite NFL team?

NO: Of course! The NY Jets because they are a joke.

LM: Interesting. What sets you apart from other murderers?

NO: I like to get creative with my killing. My first victim—I tickled her feet until she died. If I stab someone, it’s going to be with a banana, not a knife. If I shoot somebody, I will shoot lye out of my shamrock bowtie and burn their eyes out.

LM: Okay, well it looks like we’re out of time. In closing, what do you think is the main current issue that this community should be concerned with?

NO: We really need to focus on gun control. It’s just not safe out there anymore.