GWAAAAAAAAR!

29 years ago, Gwar was unfrozen from their ice prison in Antarctica, and began to tour the world. Their mission? To kill as many humans as possible! Gwar comes to Chico just about every year, and with every visit they bring a new batch of important political figures and celebrities along. In the past, Gwar has killed the likes of President George W. Bush, President Barack Obama, Lady Gaga, Paris Hilton, Michael Jackson, and so on.

This year, Gwar had a few very special guests. First up on their kill list was the Queen of England, who according to them “would not die of natural causes,” so they needed to do the deed themselves. Justin Bieber was next. Gwar’s frontman, Oderus Urungus, stated “I know you had no intentions of seeing Justin Bieber in concert, but I assure you, it will never happen again.” Gwar, with the assistance of their alien friend “The Bone Snapper,” proceeded to rip off poor Justin’s arms and legs. Last on Gwar’s agenda of humans to kill was our dear and beloved Pope Francis. Gwar taunted him by calling him a “Gay Lady” and then chopped off his head.

Gwar has other enemies aside from pop culture figures. A floating head with tentacles claiming to be “the perfect being” crashed the party, hoping to get Gwar’s help in his quest for eternal life. Gwar did not like his cocky attitude and suggested that he “grow a body first.” Towards the end of the set, the floating head returned, this time with a body twice the size of any rival Gwar has ever faced before. He proved to be quite a challenge, but in the end Gwar was victorious. After each kill, they soaked the crowd in the blood of their fallen foes. Not a single person left the venue dry.

Despite all the carnage, Gwar does have a bit of a soft spot. In 2011 their former guitar player, Cory Smoot (A.K.A. “Flattus Maximus”) died while the band was on tour. Gwar introduced their new guitar player, “Pustulus Maximus” but not without remembering their fallen friend.

Shenanigans aside, Gwar puts on a great performance. Each member of the band is incredibly talented, and even if Gwar didn’t put on such a ridiculous stage show, I believe they would still have a huge following among the metal crowd. Their guitar players, Balsac the Jaws of Death and Pustulus Maximus played in perfect harmony, and if anyone had any doubts on the talent of Gwar’s newest member, I’m positive those doubts were smashed. Their drummer, Jizmak Da Gusha is a powerhouse behind the drumkit. He really ties the whole band together.

Gwar decided to end the show on a bit of a different note—their encore song was a cover of Billy Ocean’s 1988 hit “Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car” which is the last song anyone would ever expect Gwar to cover. Their version was much better. As the song ended and the music died down, you could hear a faint sound in the background. The audience paused for a moment and then soon everyone recognized what was happening. Gwar went from Billy Ocean to The Who’s “Teenage Wasteland.” It was the perfect ending to a near-perfect show. As they sang their final words and struck their last chords, the audience just swayed together under a mist of fake blood. Not a single person left unhappy.

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