There are many legends about that fantastic creature known as the redhead. Contrary to what some silly scientist might tell you, most of them are true, especially the more dire ones. I know this because I happen to be a redhead. So, today I thought I’d use this bit of Synthesis real estate to clarify what’s really up with gingers.
Is your hair really that color?
WAT. It’s crazy how often I hear this one. Sure, there are a lot of faux gingers out there trying to snag a bit of glory, but it’s kind of obvious that I’m a natural. I mean, blue eyes, dappled see-through skin that burns easily? Um, DUH.
I’m a daywalker, possessing some human traits in addition to the redhead ones. Because of them, my hair did start showing hints of mousy plain Italian brown along with the encroaching silver several years ago. For a while I replenished my natural color with the blood of virgins… and then I moved here. Virgins in this town? Yeah, right! You depraved horndogs barely stay clothed and/or upright long enough to have breakfast! So these days, I use the blood of defeated enemies. (Tip: it also goes great in a smoothie!)
Is it true that redheads steal souls?
Yep. Lacking one is the only thing that a redhead could possibly be jealous about, and of course we take that shit to 11. One night long ago at a Soulless Ginger convention, we collectively agreed to go out into the world and snare what we were so cruelly denied. The mark of success was to be the freckle, and we spread the story that they were actually “angel kisses” to dissuade mortals from thinking they represented anything sinister.
“Bullshit,” you may say. “You get freckles from being in the sun.” That’s just happy coincidence. See, in order to steal a soul, you have to be within line of sight of your victim. People are outdoors much more often in the summer, and in sunny climates. So if a friend of yours has more freckles in August than they did in March, that just means they’re a good hunter.
My pastor says red hair means you’re one of Satan’s minions.
Hey, why the judging? It takes a lot of effort for a redhead to not burst into flames or start swearing in frenzied backwards Latin whenever we cross a church threshold. Give a little credit, yeah? Besides, “minion” implies Satan is like our boss or something. He swings by for a beer once in a while, and we always get together for Christmas. But he is an attention whore, so I can see where you’d think he was running things.
Gingers are hot-tempered, right?
Okay, this one isn’t true. I am one with the Universe. Life is beautiful and sacred, and it is meant to be lived gently as we tread softly on this good earth.
When’s Kick A Ginger Day this year?
At the start of Six Weeks in Fucking Traction Season.
Uh… I mean… Ommm……