Fart With Confidence

I am dating someone, let’s call him “Santiago.” He’s a righteous babe who’s smart and kind and listens to me showcase my terrible array of hard opinions on things, which just proves what endless patience he has. If the proper channels were aware of how much time he’d served listening to my personal ranking of all the James Bond actors, he’d probably have been deemed a saint by now. We’ve been together for almost two years, so I think it’s safe to say that much of the mystery has dissipated from the relationship. I mean… we’ve never inspected each others b-holes or been present for each others BM’s, but on more than one occasion I’ve awoken to find that both the air above the blankets and below are uninhabitable due to fart attacks. Much as I might raise a fuss about the poor air quality at times, I do actually value the intimacy and accept the smelly with the good, as the good heavily outweighs the smelly.

Obviously this fart-attack issue isn’t uncommon, which is why the geniuses over at Shreddies have developed fart-proof underwear for both him and her. According to the Shreddies website: “Shreddies flatulence-filtering underwear are a proven medical solution to flatulence, whatever its causes. Not only do Shreddies work by effectively removing flatulence odours, but they also help to give that added assurance and often much-needed confidence. The Shreddies motto is ‘Fart with confidence’ and our underwear ensures just that. Our patented filter underwear removes odours through the use of a thin and flexible carbon cloth.”

Now “Santiago” can eat all the vegetarian chili his heart desires without me cringing preemptively with every bite he takes! Thanks Shreddies! For real though, you can procure a pair over at www.myshreddies.com. Pro-tip: Order a pair, wear them sans pants while eating canned garbanzo beans, then test how stable the blast doors on dem’ bitches are by farting the night away.

Switching gears now. In “in your face, MOM” news, Archaeology magazine has reported that not only did ancient folks get tattoos to rebel against their parents and to prove their undying love to whatever jug-blowing band was popular in the Copper Age, they were in fact medicinal! In an article in Archaeology, they report: “Otzi’s clothing, tools, and weapons are a remarkable window into the life of a herder or perhaps a chieftain in Copper Age Europe… Otzi is covered with more than 50 tattoos in the form of lines and crosses, made up of small incisions in his skin into which charcoal was rubbed. Because they are all found on parts of the body that show evidence of a lifetime of wear and tear—the ankles, wrists, knees, Achilles tendon, and lower back, it’s thought that his tattoos were therapeutic, not decorative or symbolic.” It’s possible that these tattoos are evidence of early attempts of acupuncture, which was previously thought to have originated in Asia more than 2,000 years later. It’s also possible that those scribbles and lines were the Copper Age way of writing “MOM” in a heart, or “SKOOL SUX DIX.” Jury’s out.

Zooey Mae has been working as a writer monkey for Synthesis Weekly since 2007. Her favorite things include (but are not limited to), Jeffrey Brown, bubble wrap, Craig Thompson, pillow forts, receiving handwritten letters, and whiskey. She spends her free time stockpiling supplies for the impending robot Apocalypse and avoiding eye contact with strangers.