E-MAIL BLACKMAIL

 

I’ve grown bored with the usual spam, and I would bet I’m not alone. Thankfully, the Nigerian princes who brought us penis enlargement, weight loss pills, and pre-approved home re-fi’s have raised their game from simply playing off greed and physical insecurities, and have started dumping hundreds of thinly veiled extortion threats into the inbox of calendar@synthesis.net. Through sympathetic insinuations, they break the news that something scandalous in the Calendar’s past has been discovered, and if someone were to give them some money, they could make it all go away. Well bravo, spam merchants! You’ve sprayed the world with accusations and finally hit a genuinely guilty target. Too bad Calendar would rather air its own dirty laundry than part with a single red cent.

First off: Calendar has been slutting it up all over town for years. It isn’t ashamed of that one—just wanted to bring it up. Secondly: Calendar habitually breaks into people’s houses and eats all their ice cream, then claims it was on Ambien and stumbles out, blathering obscenities. Third: Calendar has unsightly toe hair, and this is the real reason it is anti-Birkenstock. Fourth, and finally: Calendar is horribly lactose intolerant; on the mornings after those late-night ice cream binges, it can be found slinking around Barnes & Noble leaving tremendous farts in the empty aisles, then lurking around the corner waiting to hear people’s reactions as they walk into the cloud. Do with that information what you will.

Managing Editor for Synthesis Weekly. Amy likes to make clothes, plant flowers, and chase butterflies.