Dystopian Emojis

I’ve never been too into using emojis. To me it seems like something a sweaty middle aged weirdo with an unhealthy Hello Kitty obsession would be into. Recently though, as part of a French campaign to raise awareness about the vast number of sexual predators online, a small series of emojis were brought to life. Their intended goal might have been to show the dangers of letting your kids roam free on the information highway, but really the thing that most jumps out at me is the realization that emojis should never be brought to life. Go to www. innocenceendanger.org to see the whole series.

Is it just me or is there a startling lack of imagination present in Hollywood these days? Don’t get me wrong, sometimes there are exceptions to the rule (Her), but mostly the studios just keep churning out pointless dribble that’s either a remake of something better that’s already been made, or a weird amalgamation of themes that feel like studio execs are just pulling verbs and nouns out of a hat. I’m pretty sure the only reason Cowboys and Aliens was made is that a bunch of writers got together in a room with a pile of cocaine and used the script as an extended Mad Libs game.

In a move that’s left George Orwell fans irate, The Verge has announced that Orwell’s dystopian novel 1984 will soon be turned into a movie starring (vomit) Kristen Stewart and Nicholas Hoult (Warm Bodies). The script was written by Nathan Parker, who wrote the screenplay for Moon, which, if you haven’t seen, stop reading my stupid column and go watch it. Directing this project is Drake Doremus, who directed Like Crazy. The terrible part about this movie being made isn’t the fact that they’re just recycling old ideas instead of inventing something new, or even that Kristen Stewart, professional sigh utterer and hair flipper, has landed the lead role. The real issue is that they’ve decided to “update” the story, and concentrate on the romance. In the book (spoiler alert), the two who fall in love, betray each other, then end up being brainwashed back to their original mentally-mushy state, so really it’s not a super happy ending. This redheaded step-child of a movie is called Equals, and most likely it’ll be a perfect representation of the usual Hollywood bullshit. However, with Nathan Parker on board maybe they’ll stick with the depressing ending and we can all watch the movie then have an angry cry afterwards. Apparently even ol’ K-Stew isn’t totally confident she can pull off this role (psst-Kristen… neither are we). She’s been quoted as saying: “I trust Drake’s process and I know we will do something really natural and real. But I told Drake, ‘Don’t expect that I’m going to be able to do this. It’s too hard.’ I’ve given directors disclaimers before, but never this much.” Wowzers.

Zooey Mae has been working as a writer monkey for Synthesis Weekly since 2007. Her favorite things include (but are not limited to), Jeffrey Brown, bubble wrap, Craig Thompson, pillow forts, receiving handwritten letters, and whiskey. She spends her free time stockpiling supplies for the impending robot Apocalypse and avoiding eye contact with strangers.