Desmond Llewelyn Is My Spirit Animal

Well kids, by the time this paper is in your hands, the new year will be upon us. I spent New Year’s Eve with friends, listening to records with the Times Square hullabaloo on the TV on mute. A few seconds after the countdown, Mario Lopez interviewed strange women who looked like rejected extras from Rock Of Love.

New Year’s Eve is certainly one of the more stress-inducing holidays. The countdown starts, jubilation runs high; the fuzzy excitement of anticipation holding everyone in its sweaty-palmed grasp. I think the key to a successful night is probably just keeping your plans simple. That, and staying in to don your best sweater suit (see image) and drinking champagne through a Krazy straw.

Anywhoozle—speaking of booze, my favorite fictional boozy mascot, Mr. James Bond, was recently brought to mind (not that he ever really leaves), by the good folks at Geekologie. They’ve reported that researchers read Ian Fleming’s entire set of James Bond stories in order to take a closer look at his drinking habits. What a downer, I know. After reading all 14 Bond novels, they concluded that what with all the chronic drinking and all, he’d probably die from alcohol related causes much sooner than succumbing to a death by lasers. According to their research, they found that, “Bond’s weekly alcohol consumption totaled 92 units a week… a real person would not be able to carry out such complicated tasks and function as well as Bond does while maintaining such habits.” For their purposes, a “unit of alcohol” is defined as 10 milliliters of pure ethanol. This means that a bottle of wine is nine units, and a pint of beer is three. This also means that James Bond is the most high-functioning (albeit fictional) alcoholic of all time. Maybe that’s been SPECTRE’s real plan all along, turning Bond into an alcoholic and watching his inevitable decline. Think about it. The best Bond films were always the ones where the villain had a plan that could actually conceivably happen. With the astonishingly high number of alcoholics in this country (even just this zip code), it seems pretty dang plausible to me.

In my eyes the real tragedy of this study was that in 14 Fleming novels, a fictional character’s poor drinking habits was the issue that to them, begged further research. If given such an opportunity, I think I’d rather try to catalog every glaring example of Fleming’s obvious hatred for homosexuals and minorities. And oh, they be plentiful. From the pages of Goldfinger: “Goldfinger took the cat from under his arm and tossed it to the Korean who caught it eagerly – ‘I am tired of seeing this animal around. You may have it for dinner.’ The Korean’s eyes gleamed.” There are also some pretty glaringly obvious anti-homosexual remarks as well, like when Bond explains to M (regarding Pussygalore), “Any woman who says she’s gay hasn’t met me yet.” These vitriolic remarks are especially strange to me considering how close Bond and Q are always portrayed. Am I the only one who assumed that “Q” didn’t just stand for “Quartermaster”… ?

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Zooey Mae has been working as a writer monkey for Synthesis Weekly since 2007. Her favorite things include (but are not limited to), Jeffrey Brown, bubble wrap, Craig Thompson, pillow forts, receiving handwritten letters, and whiskey. She spends her free time stockpiling supplies for the impending robot Apocalypse and avoiding eye contact with strangers.